Wild She Was and Wild She Be

In recent years, there's been a lot of attention paid to the growing number of girls going wild.

And well there should be.

Girls going wild are quite difficult to ignore (not that any healthy male would want to). It's only natural for many eyes to be on them.

Who doesn't love to see a bunch of college girls getting tipsy, letting loose, and lifting up or taking off pieces of their clothing? Who in their right mind could find any fault in that?

Well, apparently some people do find it alarming.

There is a group of people who've seen the latest girls going wild studies, and they're not happy with the findings. These people are called parents.

Some of the statistics detailed in the Time.com article, The Myth About Girls Going Wild, do seem a bit shocking . . . if you are a parent.

If you're not a parent, the statistics are not shocking. They are encouraging.

Of the female spring breakers surveyed, 30% said that sun and alcohol were an "essential part of life," 74% said that spring break meant increased sexual activity, 40% said that they passed out, and 13% reported having sex with more than one partner.

Very encouraging.

But there are yet more people involved in trying to keep girls from going wild.

The Concerned Women for America, a family-values group, took it upon themselves to warn the women who fall into Jell-O-shot-induced exhibitionism and public sexuality that they'll regret it later.

Well, you can't argue with that.

Has anyone in the history of the world when contemplating any questionable or possibly subversive activity ever paid any attention whatsoever to anyone who ever said anything remotely like "you'll regret it later"?

Come on. We recall the words of adults as the years go by, and only then do we see the wisdom in them. For teenagers, adult advice might as well be a Perry Como LP. They don't know what the strange vinyl thing is, and even if they did, they wouldn't want to listen to it anyway.

Now, it obviously can't be easy for any parent to imagine their little girl doing things that make others declare that she has gone wild. So to the parents, I can only offer the following advice: Don't watch.

Don't get into that part of your daughter's life. Don't sneak around trying to see how wild she's going. Because she is going wild. She's doing wild things. And if she's not doing them yet, she will be soon enough. She's going to drink. She's going to party. And she's going to have sex.

You simply cannot escape it.

As harsh as it is, I'm reminded of an exchange between two friends of mine. One friend was going on about how special his daughter was when the other friend leaned over and said, "All girls are special, but they all end up with a dick in their mouth just the same."

Again, that sentiment is a little harsh, but it illustrates precisely why parents should not be overly concerned with their girls going wild. It's going to happen, and the only thing you can do as a parent is put a little money aside in case she needs to make bail or get tested for STDs.

You have to let them live their lives and make mistakes at their own pace.

But there is yet another problem in regard to the going wild of girls.

In addition to people actually trying to stop it (god help us all), there seems to be a growing number of girls who have gone wild, or who still go wild, using alcohol as an excuse for their wildness.

A less widely cited statistic among the AMA's shockers was that women on Spring Break "use alcohol as an excuse to engage in outrageous behavior," which implies that the problem with engaging in public sex on vacation is that they'd be getting more of it at home if only they were brave enough.

Indeed.

Girls of the going wild age, you must know that we see through the alcohol excuse. Yes, it's handy to have in your arsenal. You'll need it for people like your professors and the parish priest. But we like you, we like what you do. You don't have to lie to us.

The truth is we all do stupid things when we're drunk -- but we all want to do stupid things. Boys get into bar fights, girls mud wrestle. And of course, aggressive sexuality is a form of aggression. In See Jane Hit, a new book about girls and violence, psychologist James Garbarino links unprecedented violence among girls -- the rate of aggravated assault among girls younger than 18 increased 57% between 1990 and 1998 -- directly to equally unprecedented hypersexuality. He sees such trends as the less savory outcome of freeing girls to excel beyond gender stereotypes.

The alcohol is not the cause of your behavior. You were feral to begin with, and don't ever be ashamed of that. Embrace your wildness. Celebrate it. Rub scented oils on it. Anoint it. Let it sleep next to you at night, and call it "Baby".

Don't cheapen it by blaming it on alcohol.

As Homer Simpson says, "Alcohol is the cause of and solution to all of life's problems." But you should never, under any circumstances, view your wildness as a problem.

Anyway . . .

Parents, just suck it up until your girls are out of college. We feel for you. We really do. But you have to understand that the joy your daughters bring the world far overshadows your neurosis about their virtue.

You see, the needs of the many really do outweigh the needs of the few.

And girls, accept responsibility for your wildness. Be proud of it. And let's use alcohol as an excuse for something worthy of it . . . like global warming.