Back Ache to the Future

The Ohio State Chiropractic Board apparently has a problem with one of its own.

Ohio chiropractor, James Burda of Athens, has received a notice of hearing from the state's regulating authority. The board has accused him of mental illness for his claim that he can treat anyone by reaching back in time to the moment an injury occurred.

Go ahead and read that again. It's just that much fun.

Now, forget for a minute the "Nut-Bar" detector that just went off in your head, and imagine the implications of such a talent.

Suppose you threw out your back during sex, or while getting out of the bathtub. And suppose for that injury you sought the help of a chiropractor. But -- and this gets a little tricky -- since his treatment involves traveling back in time to the moment the injury occurred, in the past, there would suddenly be a strange man watching you make love or watching you wash your hard-to-reach places. Effectively, you'd have a spotter.

You'd probably even be thankful that he was there and that he prevented an injury. That is until you realize that any old time traveler could appear to you at any time, insisting he or she just prevented you from hurting yourself and demanding payment. You wouldn't know which time traveler to trust.

And just out of curiosity, if a chiropractor is traveling back in time to prevent injuries, wouldn't that eliminate any patients coming to see him in the present? Hmmm . . . .

Now, it's not clear exactly how Burda performs his time traveling chiropractic techniques. He makes no claim to own a Flux Capacitor or even a DeLorean, but he vehemently denies the board's accusations of mental illness.

According to Burda, he discovered the special skill by accident while driving six years ago.

"My foot hurt and, knowing anatomy, I went ahead and I told it to realign and my pain went away . . ."

Apparently that's all it takes for one to know that he or she can travel through time; a knowledge of anatomy and the stones to order any body part that hurts to realign.

Science fiction writers the world over are reported to be relieved. Their characters will never again be required to build clunky, HG Wells-esque machines. Nor will they ever be forced to journey through anything resembling a wormhole. And the writers themselves will never again have to take creative license with light speed or Special Relativity.

They can simply incorporate the time travel technique Burda calls "Bahlaqeem".

Says Burda:

"[Bahlaqeem] is a made-up word and, to my knowledge, has no known meaning except for this intended purpose. It does, however, have a soothing vibrational influence and contains the very special number of nine letters."

Burda's made up word just happened to be the one specifically intended for time traveling chiropractic techniques?

Of all the made up words and gibberish spoken everyday, a chiropractor just happened to be the one who voiced the made up word specific to his profession . . . . Oh, and specific to time travel.

It hurts my brain to even contemplate the odds for such a discovery. Perhaps I can Bahlaqeem the moment I read that quote and realign my memory. Perhaps the vibrational influence and nine letters of the word will soothe my troubled mind. Perhaps this whole thing is a pile of rubbish.

Another interesting aspect of this story is the board's reaction to Burda's made up word and the methods it describes.

. . . The board alleges in three counts against Burda that the treatment is unacceptable and constitutes "willful and gross malpractice." Burda has until May 1 to request a hearing. The board can levy penalties ranging from a reprimand to revoking his license to practice . . .

Willful and gross malpractice?

That's an odd allegation coming from an organization who condones the medieval practice of cracking the spine to heal all sorts of ailments.

And in case you didn't know, chiropractors don't just crack the backs of adult patients. The chiropractic community feels it can also cure children, including infants, with a quick twist and a pop of the spine.

Not only that, but it has its own made up word for the process -- subluxation.

So it appears that this is a case of the chiropractic board calling the chiropractor black.

Still, one can't fault the board, if they feel Burda has stepped outside of their comfort zone for delusion. And he has taken delusion up a notch.

. . . The treatment is not telepathic because the patient does not have to believe in what he's doing, Burda said. He has treated hundreds of patients and reports nine out of 10 patients are satisfied . . .

The chiropractic community condones subluxation, but no one has suggested the patient doesn't have to believe for it to work. They count on the patient believing.

Burda, on the other hand, says he can cure anyone, whether they believe or not. Including me. Including you.

Just watch out for a stranger suddenly appearing while you're exercising or working in the yard. It could be a chiropractor.