I Can Eat Fifty Eggs

Much like Cool Hand Luke, I've discovered over the years that I can eat a freakish amount of food.

Yesterday, I ate so much, I actually frightened myself.

It was a beautiful spring weekend here in Texas, and I was out participating in various strenuous activities for two days straight, only taking the time to nosh here and there when I needed to sustain myself.

Well, I finally sat down last night and relaxed, and my belly started rumbling in earnest, so I fixed myself a nice meal. Only I didn't stop after one round of feasting. I went back in for munch after munch.

I often tell the joke that gluttony is a good thing, taken in moderation. Last night I went beyond gluttony. Gluttony was two exits back on the expressway before I realized I had past it. Gluttony is a mere appetizer for me. Gluttony is a skinny little school girl who trembles in my presence.

I could have starred in a circus side show.

COME SEE THE AMAZING HAIRLESS APE STUFF ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING INTO HIS FACE!

THERE IS NOTHING HE WON'T EAT!

WARNING! Unless you wish to lose a finger or a limb, please stay clear of the cage at all times.

Here's what I consumed:

1. 4 jumbo eggs, scrambled with cheddar and salsa wrapped in tortillas
2. A ham, turkey, balogna, swiss, and provolone sandwich with lettuce, onions, tomatoes, pickles, and avocado.
3. Half a bag of Doritos plain corn chips
4. About 5 ounces of leftover tuna on saltines
5. A banana, a Three Musketeers bar, and some Planter's peanuts.

The entire time, I felt like I should be squatting naked on a rock, tearing pieces of raw flesh from the bone. It was a very primal experience. But then I looked at my distended belly, all bulging and shiny and it became a religious experience.

Maybe I should join one of those competitive eating organizations.

I am the grubmaster!!