My Head Exploded

There's got to be an easier way for us voting Americans to cast our ballots.

I'm not going to revisit the hanging chad debacle of elections past. That was a kick while it lasted, but it was merely a minor foible of the voting process that a few short minutes ago made my head explode.

Yes, I'm still gluing the fragments of my skull back together, and stuffing whatever brain remnants I could find back in. Fortunately, a nice lady at the polling place helped me collect all the chunks and pieces, and she wrapped them in an old newspaper for me. Without her help, I'd be out of luck. (It's hard to focus on tasks like that when your head explodes.)

The problem was, there was just too much going on for me --- or anyone really --- to make an informed decision about every candidate and every race and issue being contested. And when I come up against something that complex, sooner or later there's going to be brain splatter.

The front of the ballot was easy. It had all the big races on it; governor, senator, congressman. You know, the ones we pay attention to. I mean, we've been force-fed ads for the last six months about these races, so I knew the candidates, and I knew the offices. I was in no danger of suffering severe head trauma because of these races.

But before long I got to the smaller, more obscure races, and that's when the cranial tremors began. Trying to process all the names and offices was a bitch. I don't know if anyone was watching, but I read the ballot, trying to maintain a look that said, "It's not the first time I've heard of the names I'm reading. I'm all over this election".

"Hmm . . . Yes, perhaps Hank Gilbert would make a fine Commissioner of Agriculture," my contemplative face said.

But in my mind I was thinking, "What the hell's a comptroller? What does a County School Trustee do exactly? Is Railroad Commissioner really a position we need to vote on? What's the difference between a District Clerk and a County Clerk? How do you pronounce Ahmad Hussamassaouwan?"

At that point, my head was throbbing. It felt like a soda can that had been shaken up; just a nudge and brains would come spewing out of my ears. Then I turned the ballot to the page with all the local referendums and city and county propositions, and I got that nudge.

"Oh no! Four pages of referendums?!?!"

"Wait . . .vote Yes to do away with the old sewage treatment plan, or Yes to accept the new one?"

"Proposition G funnels sales tax on cigarettes into road repair and highway maintenance? So I want to vote for it? No against it? No for it? But Referendum 42 restructures commerce funding, doesn't it? What if I vote Yes for both of them?"

"Yes on Prop 17 will create a fund for a new county court house? But Yes on Prop 76 will move the county seat to a city on the north side?!?!"

"Aaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh!!!!!!!"

KABOOM!!!

SPLAT!!

There's got to be an easier way.