Blog Post Blockage

I was trying to think of something to post before the weekend, as I tend to reduce my computer time on Saturday and Sunday tremendously. In fact, if you see me on the Internet on the weekend, it's a safe bet that it's raining where I am, or that some of the better porn sites on the web are running free trials.

But nothing that seemed worthwhile was occurring to me, and I started to get a bit frustrated. Blog post writer's block, don'tcha know?

Then I happened to check today's headlines, and the fog lifted immediately. Turns out, actual news events, and the way they are portrayed in the media are great mental laxatives. They'll open up any blockage and flush the clog with the efficiency of a good . . . umm . . . blockage-opening, clog-flusher . . .

. . . Okay, so they're no good at simile blockage, but great for other types of blockage. All you have to do is take any headline, and add an off-the-wall remark after it.

Examples:

"Oil Smashes $75 Barrier" -- Oil promptly thanked spoiled consumers and SUV owners everywhere for the honor, and then gave a shout out to its mom, its grandmother who raised it, and mad props to Jesus. Later that night, oil was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people all over the world.

"Star Trek Set for '08 Revival" -- Studio executives hinted that Shatner and Nimoy reported to make-up today to begin preparing for the film.

"Other Duke Stripper Speaks" -- I'm gonna get them Duke boys!

"Lawyer Drops Dead While Arguing Case" -- Jurors applauded what they believed to be well-rehearsed courtroom theatrics. When informed of the truth, they applauded louder and did the wave.

"Bush Apologizes for Hu Heckler" -- Bush admitted he simply wanted to hear Hu say, "Hey, I don't come down to where you work and knock the cock out of your mouth" in Chinese.

So you see, that's how I get past my writers block for my blog posts. Now I'm going to spend the weekend trying to get past my humor block.

They KILLED LED ZEPPELIN!!

I wake up every morning to music.

Like many of you, I have other options for my wake-up protocol, but long ago I chose music, because the alarm my digital clock produces, where it indeed wakes me up, can also be used to guide ships through a dense fog, or in more dire circumstances, signal an air-raid to the entire city and most of the tri-state area.

The start it gives me and the jolt to my ticker no doubt takes years off my life, and it's no fun peeling myself off the ceiling every morning. So I chose classic rock for the job instead.

I like other kinds of music, too, but classic rock is the perfect medium range music for a wake-up. It's not too mellow that I fall right back to sleep, and it's not so angry that I want to turn cars over and light things on fire. It's just lively enough to get my feet tapping, and to get me into the bathroom for my morning drain.

Oh, and I don't have an iPod.

I know how cool they are, and I really want one, but every time I think I'm ready to make the purchase, I hesitate, because I hear of a new model coming out that not only is the size of your fingernail and holds a billion songs, but can do your taxes and baby-sit your children for you. (I understand by Christmas, the thing will be able to land the space shuttle and solve the traffic problems in LA.)

At any rate, I'm relegated to my collection of CDs, the Internet, and the radio for my music consumption. Unfortunately, CDs have become clunky and cumbersome (who would have thought), and management frowns heavily upon streaming audio and video through the T-1 lines at work, so I'm left with only free FM radio.

As you might have guessed, due to my circumstances, I'm exposed to a lot of classic rock. And I discovered something unsettling today in regard to that.

Now, I only have a few CDs in my car, so when I drive I flip around the radio dial, trying to avoid commercials and idiot morning jocks. One of the stations I frequent is, of course, a local classic rock station. On my way to work today, the classic rock outfit in question played a Led Zeppelin tune, and I reached up without thinking, and changed the station.

Let me repeat that: I reached up without thinking, and changed the station!

A few minutes later it dawned on me. I suddenly realized that I don't like Led Zeppelin anymore. And then a few minutes after that, I realized why.

Classic rock stations have played their music to death. Every song, over and over and over and over again. They have killed Led Zeppelin!

Did you ever see the movie Cast Away where Tom Hanks finally makes it back to civilization, and at his Welcome Home party they serve crab? Remember his face when he looks at that platter full of crabs? Well, that's how I look now when I hear a Zeppelin song.

Zeppelin has become the "Fredo" of my rock 'n roll family. They mean nothing to me now.