Republicans: PC About PCs

Republicans are just so much fun I can hardly contain myself.

Now, if you're a Republican and you're reading this, don't automatically get a pinchy, crawly bug up your ass because you sense an attack on your party or possibly your ideology coming on. Your party and your ideology may very well deserve an attack, but it's the individuals who most often make themselves easy targets. And that goes for any individual, regardless of party affiliation, religion, or other organization with which they are associated.

For Republicans, however, one doesn't have to look too hard at prominent figures to find a throbbing, oozing pile of idiocy to mock. Off the top of my head, cuckoo bird Senate candidate Kathleen "KT" McFarland, "holy man" Pat Roberston, pundit/skeleton Ann Coulter, and nom de sodomic discharge Senator Rick Santorum fairly run up to us, drop to their knees, and beg us to rank mercilessly on them. Oh, and there's a dimwitted hillbilly living in the White House who could be a comic foil to the likes of Pee Wee Herman, if he didn't wield the power to kill people so flippantly. Among the highly visible Republicans, the nutters are running rampant.

But often, I grow weary of tweaking the prominent figures' noses. They are plump, low-hanging pieces of fruit, my friends, just dangling in front of us. Smashing lobs is too easy. Occasionally, we have to look at the less prominent figures to find the new, up and comers in the field of crackpottery just to break the monotony. And scouring the Interwebs today, I came across Shelley Goodman and friends.

Shelley is an average young woman from the midwest who maintains and posts in a blog called ShelleyTheRepublican.com.

You'll have to spend your lunch hour there sometime to absorb the blog's full entertainment value, but I was struck by an article submitted by a friend of Shelley's who goes by Tristan Shuddery. Tristan has his own blog that is also worth a lunch break, but I don't want to convolute the links branches in this post to the point of confusion, so I'll stick with Tristan's article in ShellyTheRepublican.com.

The article that had milk coming out of my nose is called Linux: A European threat to our computers.

In it, our pal Tristan lays out a very paranoid, if not ill-informed, view of Linux. If you're not familiar with it, Linux is an open source computer operating system. It works similarly to Microsoft Windows and Apple, except that its source code is open, meaning a sufficiently technical person can customize it for his or her own purposes or correct any bugs that he or she might encounter. It is a highly-touted piece of programming that many techies swear by. Unfortunately, it might just cause the United States to crumble.

Says Tristan:

. . . European and Chinese hackers . . . hate our lead in computing technology and will stop at nothing until they have control of all of our computers. I'm talking about a project called 'Linux' . . .

. . . Unlike Windows, . . . which is normally included with every new computer, Linux is given away. Now it may not sound like much of a problem, after all there is very little profit in merely giving a product away. This would be certainly true were in [sic] not for the Linux project's seductive Marxist ideology and the effect that it has on 'Blue-State' liberals.

Seductive Marxist ideology? Effect on 'Blue-State' liberals?

An open source operating system fostering Marxist ideology is a bit of a stretch indeed. Most people who use Linux do so just to avoid Windows' little bugs and its infamous blue screen of death. But what effect does it have on 'Blue-State' liberals? And what about 'Red-State' liberals? Does Linux affect them? Are 'Red-State' liberals immune to the effects? Or were all liberals and conservatives herded into separate states when I wasn't looking?

(Damn, I gotta quit looking at Internet porn. I miss everything.)

But before you put a tin foil hat on your monitor and dig up Adam Smith's corpse, listen to what other hell awaits us because of open source technology.

If only the danger were just to our economy: These days computers control everything from TV stations to battleships; Our crucial information and defense infrastructure is built on computer technology. If we allow this cancer into our networks, there is no knowing what the effect might be on our infrastructure, but that is just what liberals are trying to do.

So liberals aren't just trying to keep church and state separate. They aren't just in favor of equal rights and justly taxing the rich. They don't just espouse a woman's right to choose what is done to her own body. They are trying to bring down the By God American Infrastructure with a program that runs Solitaire better than Windows or Apple!

If there were a hill nearby, I would run to it, screaming and flailing my arms; not out of panic, but out of the knowledge that delusion and paranoia exist on such a scale.

But there's more.

And guess what software Osama Bin Laden uses on his laptop? If you guessed it was Linux you would be 100% right. Osama uses Linux because he knows [sic] designed to counterfit DVDs, curcumventing the Digital Millenium Copyright Act, and defraud companies like Disney.

Well, I can see Bin Laden wanting to defraud American conglomerates, Disney or otherwise, but how does our buddy Tristan know what Bin Laden uses on his laptop? How does he know Bin Laden even has a laptop? The most highly trained intelligence agencies in the world can't find this guy, but old Tristan just happens to know what kind of computer hardware he has and his software preferences for it. Could there be some desert training and plans for exploding shoes somewhere in Tristan's background?

Probably not. He seems a little too concerned about the Linux "problem" to be a terrorist. Fortunately for him and the rest of the open source-fearing Republicans, where there is a plan, there is hope.

If you see a company using Linux, it may be that they have not paid for this software. Report them to the Business Software Alliance who have the legal authority to inspect any company's computers for illegal programs like Linux.

Finally, remember to include Linux users in your prayers tonight. As individuals we may not be able to change people's minds, but the Bible teaches that God can make any sinner repent.

Wise, wise words, my friends --- that is until God has to press Ctrl+Alt+Delete to reboot a universe locked up on the blue screen of death.

Indigo Child or Idiot Parent?

I don't have any children, but if I did, I'm sure I'd not only love them unconditionally, but I'd profess their brilliance to the world from every mountaintop.

Hey, it's what parents do.

See, we've evolved to have a strong emotional attachment to our children to ensure we don't run away from them immediately after they are born. Nature has seen to it that we stick around to raise the little ones until they themselves can have children, thus propagating the species. Their cuteness is essentially a survival mechanism that not only keeps us around, but draws a deep-rooted admiration from us that we know as parental love. Their little quirks --- the way they learn, the way they talk, the way they walk, the way they discover the world around them, the way they interact with other children --- bolster that love, and in effect, cause us to see them as special, which further ensures that we protect them.

And that's perfectly fine. Even though we know not every child is extremely special. In fact, most aren't special at all. But a little parental delusion is easily palatable, especially if the survival of the human race depends on it.

But as with anything, there are those who take their delusions way too far.

Go to this website when you have a chance, and take a look around. Seems Jenny McCarthy is building an organization that supports mothers of Indigo children.

Quick Jenny McCarthy background:

You may remember Jenny McCarthy as the hostess of some MTV game show from the 1990s (my attention span was so highly damaged by that channel that now I can't remember the show's name). And someone once told me she was in movies, though don't quote me on that, as I personally have never seen one of her films. If you read the Rinderpest.com blogs, it's more likely that you remember her from her nude pictures in Playboy magazine. Basically, she's a hot blond who for some reason erroneously believed she had comic ability.

But could she be getting the last laugh with the Indigo Moms website?

The site states,

Your host is Jenny McCarthy. Jenny has a 3 year old son, Evan, who is a Crystal child. Being blessed with Evan led Jenny to have the inspiring vision to create this meeting place.

Were this indeed a lark or if it contained even a shred of irony, I might change my opinion of her comic abilities. But her belief in Indigo and Crystal children seems to be genuine, so I can't help but see her as merely a dingbat with a nice rack.

Quick Indigo children background:

The Skeptic's Dictionary says the term Indigo Child comes from psychic and synesthete Nancy Ann Tappe, who classified people's personalities according to the hue of their auras.

Says Tappe,

. . . [E]ach universal age is accompanied by a preponderance of people with that life color. For instance now most adults are either Blue or Violet, the two colors with the attributes most needed in this the Violet Age of transition. During the next age, the Indigo Age, Indigo colors will be the norm (Understanding Your Life Through Color 1982).

. . . The Indigo label describes the energy pattern of human behavior which exists in over 95% of the children born in the last 10 years . . . This phenomena is happening globally and eventually the Indigos will replace all other colors. As small children, Indigo’s are easy to recognize by their unusually large, clear eyes. Extremely bright, precocious children with an amazing memory and a strong desire to live instinctively, these children of the next millennium are sensitive, gifted souls with an evolved consciousness who have come here to help change the vibrations of our lives and create one land, one globe and one species. They are our bridge to the future.

Apparently, there are a lot of people who believe their children are Indigo children, as McCarthy's Indigo Moms website and others would indicate. According to them, their children are of a higher spiritual mind than most of the kids born 15 or even a dozen years ago. And they're sure as hell of a higher spiritual mind than us lowly adults.

Now, I can't speak for all you other "Blues" and "Violets" out there, but to me this sure sounds like a group of mothers who have taken the delusions about their children just a few steps too far. In their minds, their children are not only smarter and more beautiful than any other kid ever born, but "they are our bridge to the future". They are the next phase in human evolution. They have acheived some form of divinity!

This notion does nothing if not imply that "Blues" and "Violets", like you and me, are last year's model. We're not on the showroom floor anymore folks. We're out on the back lot somewhere covered with rust and bird shit. The Indigos are the top draw now. Look, see how they shine. She how wonderful they are.

This is more than just a simple case of parents exhibiting pride. It goes beyond bragging that little Johnny scribbled a novel on the pages of his coloring book and he's only three. It run's deeper than entering little Suzy in the Tiny Miss Brower County Beauty Pageant because her dimples once brought a puppy back to life. According to proponents, Indigo children are our spiritual betters. They are gifted souls. They are gods.

These deluded people would have us believe that when we walk down the aisle on an airplane and see an ankle-biter sitting in the seat next to ours, the tyke who's going to keep us awake the entire flight and get sticky kid goo all over our clothes and in our hair has an evolved consciousness. In their minds, we are hardly worthy of breathing the same air as their children.

It's pride run amok.

And if you're wondering about the Indigo status of your own child, apparently there are ways to discern where your progeny falls on the color scale. Tappe indicates that parents can tell if their children are the next wave. She says if the children have "unusually large, clear eyes", and if they are "bright, precocious children with an amazing memory and a strong desire to live instinctively", they are Indigo children.

Well, you can't argue with that. I mean, the only kids I've ever seen that have big eyes and are fun-loving and impulsive are . . . umm . . . well, every kid I've ever met in my entire life.

But don't be discouraged. That's just my assessment, and I am adittedly just a Blue or Violet, according to aura-ology. Plus, as you may have discovered from the Indigo Moms website, not just any Blue or Violet can spot an Indigo. It takes a person with special talent to not only help parents recognize Indigo in their kids, but to then assist those children in all aspects of their Indigo-ness.

From the Indigo Moms wbsite:

My name is Nicole Pigeault. In the early 1990's Archangel Michael gave me a message about the Indigo Children. He told me these children are born with an innate sense of self and they have a divine purpose on this planet. Indigo and Crystal children carry within their DNA the seeds of transformation for the next step in human evolution.

Indigo and Crystal children possess intuitive wisdom. They will guide humanity to accelerate the healing of the planet.

My work as an Angel Therapist is to assist these lovely beings of light on their chosen path, by integrating and balancing their energies, allowing them to live in their joy, feeling safe and loved. The message from the Angels is “Planet Earth is indeed being blessed by the gift bestowed upon it ... the Indigo/Crystal children.”

And all this time, I thought people who let their rambunctious little brats run wild in public were just bad parents. I would never have guessed they had been counseled by an "Angel Therapist" with a direct line to heaven. I would never have guessed that they had been instructed to assist the lovely beings of light on their chosen path.

By the way, isn't "lovely beings of light" a serene way to describe the hyperactive trolls we see wreaking havoc in nice restaurants and department stores all the time?

Now, again I know I'm just a Blue and/or Violet, but it seems to me that it's a bad idea to teach kids to think they are something special when they are not, irrespective of the New Age bullshit used to spruce it up. Far too often, the child treated as special grows up and, like the rest of us, discovers that he or she is indeed not very special. And dealing with that reality becomes a problem. A sense of entitlement is a difficult thing to rid oneself of, and the expectations that certain things will be automatically granted are rarely, if ever, met.

So you parents out there, please just show us pictures of your kids at the piano recital and tell us stories of Little League homeruns, and leave Jenny McCarthy, the Indigo Moms, and all the Angel Therapists out there to their auras, and their cystals, and their spiritual evolution.

Trust me, in 15 years, they're all going to be wondering why their precious Indigo children are wearing paper hats to work.