Wedding Truths

What do I know about weddings?

Well, I've been in them as a Best Man and a groomsman, and I've attended countless nuptuals as a guest, although I've never said "I do" myself. I have, however, made some observations in the last couple of years that seem to hold true for just about every ceremony.

The few universal truths about weddings that I've observed in my lifetime:

• The bridesmaid's gowns are always — ALWAYS — hideous. Traditionally, bridesmaids are not allowed to outshine a circus clown, let alone the bride.
• The groomsmen start drinking before the wedding --- days before the wedding.
• It's hotter and more uncomfortable standing at the altar than it would be standing in a blast furnace.
• The preacher/rabbi/ship captain/justice of the peace always gets something wrong, usually the names (occasionally he forgets and thinks he's delivering a eulogy).
• If you want a classy wedding, you cannot invite any children, unless you sedate them all. There's something about being in nice clothes that makes ring bearers and flower girls scream and throw fits in the middle of the ceremony. And those fits are contageous to other children.
• Only the women notice the flowers. Men are oblivious to anything organic. If a woman points them out, a man will acknowledge the flowers, but he's probably thinking about sports or picturing one of the bridesmaids naked.
• If the bride and groom are lucky enough to remember the vows, the rest of the audience can't hear a word they're saying.
• The bride has cramps and most probably an ulcer.
• The groom is hungover.
• The photographer is always in the way.
• And every smiling guest is most likely just waiting for the free booze at the reception.

That's all I know for sure about weddings.