Being Sure You're Not Gay

Apparently, the Rev. Ted Haggard is not really gay.

You all remember Ted Haggard. He's the former chairman of the National Association of Evangelicals (NAE) and the leader of the New Life Church in Colorado. He was well known for having a hot-line to God and to various leaders who push so forthrightly to turn their respective countries into theocracies; leaders like George Bush and Tony Blair. He was featured prominently in a documentary by noted biologist, Richard Dawkins, called The Root of All Evil?. He was one of the most prominent figures of religious conservatism in the US (and you all know what a fun group those folks are).

Well, he's the former chairman of NAE because a male prostitute named Mike Jones came forward late last year alleging that Haggard had paid him for sex and that they sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together (told you they were fun).

So Haggard and Jones --- and by the way, each time I hear the combination of these names together in this context, I hang my head in grief that this incident has sullied the names of two of Country music's legendary icons as well--- would meet regularly for a meth party and some wholesome man love. But in the end, it was enough of a disgrace to bring old Ted down, and he lost his chair and his ministry.

Haggard recently disappeared from the public eye for a while, enduring three full weeks of intensive counseling in Denver, and by the heavens, guess what. He's not gay anymore!!!

One of the four ministers who oversaw the de-gayification camp Haggard attended, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur, told The Denver Post in Tuesday's edition that:

"[Ted] is completely heterosexual . . . That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

So Ted discovered that he is completely heterosexual. It was only the "acting-out situations" where gay sex took place, and since he only acted out a few dozen times, he's not gay.

Well hell, I have to admit my ignorance here. I had no idea it worked that way. I had no idea that a man could want, seek out, and procure sex with another man on multiple occasions, and still not be gay. Hmm.

It's so strange, because I don't like Brussels sprouts, but I thought I figured that out after tasting them only once. Since I didn't continue to not only eat them, but pay for them when any number of other vegetables were available, there must be something wrong with me. Perhaps I need to go through extensive counseling with the Commissioner of Agriculture, and get my mind right. If Haggard's case is any indication, a man must be thorough in confirming his dislike for something or his preference for something else.

Well, you live and learn.

But it's good to see that Haggard is not gay after all. He doesn't get his church back or anything, but he says he plans to move to either Missouri or Iowa where he will pursue a master's degrees in psychology. Hey, perhaps his master's thesis will be called Discovering You're Not Gay: A Marathon, Not a Sprint.