Holy Moly Water!

If you've flown on a commercial airline in the last couple of years, you know how snippy the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is about liquids in carry-on luggage. In fact, it's not just TSA who's snippy about it. International anti-terrorist flying restrictions dictate that no bottles containing more than 100 ml. of liquid are allowed on board flights unless stowed in checked baggage. So all security agencies across the globe are enforcing these guidelines.

Apparently, certain liquids can be mixed on the fly to make bombs (I personally only know how to mix liquids to make Boilermakers, but that's where my priorities lie), and the measure is meant to reduce such ominous possibilities.

In the meantime, if you're caught with too much carry-on liquid, TSA (or its international equivalent) gives you the option of returning the extra to your vehicle, putting it in a storage facility in the terminal, or just throwing it away. The first two options require you to exit the security line and then return without the over-abundance of liquids to start over. The last option doesn't cost you any valuable time, just your precious liquids.

I recently lost a couple bottles of sunscreen to the Big Barrel 'o Liquids myself. Hey, I ain't going back through that line again.

Anyway, if you haven't heard, the Vatican has a new air service. (You can insert your own joke as to the name of the airline here; TransPapal Airlines, Virgin, etc.). Well, some good Catholics recently made the service's first flight to the shrine at Lourdes, France, presumably to get some good spiritual healing and perhaps to witness a miracle.

You see, the shrine at Lourdes is reputed to be a holy place, featuring springs with waters capable of healing all manner of beasties, like cancer, diabetes, depression, AIDS, and probably even bad breath. There have been unsubstantiated, anecdotal reports of miracle recoveries by the gravely ill at Lourdes for years now. The sick travel from all over the world in hopes of benefiting from the magic that is supposedly oozing from the water.

I think some kid claimed to have once seen a vision of the Virgin Mother there or something, which supposedly accounts for the good mojo. Who knows for sure? Most of the "miracle places" around the world feature Mary's image — as do any number of fence post knots, cheese sandwiches, and tortillas the world over — so I assume she made an appearance at Lourdes at some point.

At any rate, the passengers on the Vatican's air service made the trip to get their fair share of the Lourdes miracles. They attended prayer sessions, saw the sights, and loaded up on lots and lots of wonderful Lourdes miracle water.

Now, these devout pilgrims in search of the divine soon discovered that even the righteous have to obey the rules. You see, several of them had their holy water confiscated from their carry-on luggage by airport security as they prepared to return home.

D'oh!!

The Vatican's Boeing 737 — appropriately painted in yellow-and-white papal colors — made the journey from Rome to France carrying 148 god-fearing souls who reclined on headrests decorated with the message, “I search for your face, oh Lord”, and watched . . . I don't know . . . The Passion of the Christ on the cabin's in-flight video monitors. I won't speculate about what they served as a snack, but instead of peanuts, it was probably something in wafer form. And they were offered wine for only five dollars. Correct change was appreciated.

And by all accounts, the travelers had an event-free stay at Lourdes.

But when it was time to return to Rome’s Fiumicino airport, the anti-terror rules were strictly applied by the French police, who forced passengers to give up the holy water they had just collected at the shrine. Many complained that they had sick relatives waiting back home for the miracle water to arrive.

Can you imagine telling a TSA agent a story like that? Hell, they wouldn't ease the restrictions if your hair was on fire and you needed your carry-on liquid to put it out. If you started spouting stories about miracle holy water and dying relatives, they might just add the water to the Big Barrel o' Liquids and send you through the security line again anyway.

But disgruntled travelers were forced to leave dozens of plastic containers at the security station in France, each tiny bottle in the shape of a miniature Madonna figure.

One man, however, decided to quickly drink all of his special water. (Damn it. Why didn't I think to quickly apply all my sunscreen?) No word was available on the state of the man's health, or, if he was one of the passengers with a sick relative, how he planned to deliver the consumed water. There are only a couple possibilities, and neither is very attractive.

Passengers demanded to know how the police could be so callous as to throw away the miraculous water, which is so highly valued that one French website gets £64 [US$128] for a single liter.

Now, the interesting thing behind all this fuss, is that the water from the spring has never been shown to have any real healing powers. The truth is, long ago, local business opportunists came up with the healing springs gimmick, despite the fact that the water contains waste products from the bodies of the faithful who bathe in it. Any miracle that might be attributed to the water, would lie in the fact that major epidemics have not resulted from the distribution of the stuff around the world.

Anyway, let's hope for the best for those miracle-deprived folks.

In a related story, the state-run Nepal Airlines, recently confirmed that crew members at Kathmandu Airport sacrificed two goats in front of one of their aircraft, a Boeing 757, when it developed mechanical problems. The ritual was performed to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu god of sky protection.

As proof of the validity of the action, senior airline official, Raju KC, said that after Sunday’s ceremony, the plane successfully completed a flight to Hong Kong. (No word on whether Hong Kong is where the plane was suppose to be going.)

Hmmm . . . I wonder if I can get a goat through security for the next time my flight is delayed because of mechanical problems. Nah, better not chance it.