The Mucus is Flowing Like Wine

I'm afraid this post might be a little gross, so just keep that in mind as you decide whether to read it or to access your MySpace page to see if anyone is giving you a shout out.

Seems I picked up a pretty bad cold or a minor flu bug over the weekend, and now I'm leaking. Not only am I leaking, but I'm also retaining. I never considered that a cold could produce such a paradox, but I'm leaking copious amounts of snot from my nose, and my lungs seem to be filled with a bucketful of stubborn phlegm.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I just can't keep the mucus from running out of my head. I've used so many Kleenex tissues to blow and wipe that my nose and the surrounding area have become raw and painful to the touch. It feels like a wolverine has been chewing on my face.

Unfortunately, I just keep leaking. I have to. If I try to keep from leaking, there's a real good chance I might actually drown, because there's so much fluid in my head and in my lungs that's already just sitting there.

At any rate, the ungodly amount of mucus that's flowing from me got me to wondering about quantities. How much of this stuff does the human body produce during a cold/flu?

Cue the Internet.

First, from Wikipedia, a definition of the stuff that could drown me:

Mucus is a slippery secretion of the lining of the mucous membranes in the body. It is a viscous colloid containing antiseptic enzymes (such as lysozyme) and immunoglobulins. Mucus is produced by goblet cells in the mucous membranes that cover the surfaces of the membranes. It is made up of mucins and inorganic salts suspended in water. Phlegm is a type of mucus that is restricted to the respiratory tract, while the term mucus refers to secretions of the nasal passages as well.

Now, according to howstuffworks.com:

On any given day, you've got one to two quarts of mucus running down the back of your throat.

One to two quarts! Who would've ever thought it would be that much? And that's on a day when you're feeling in the pink. Your body can produce up to a half a gallon of mucus a day!

In normal circumstances, we produce that much mucus in order to clean out the nasal passages and to flush bacteria and viruses away. The mucus also acts as a humidifier for the air we inhale, keeping the slimy, wet pipes and tubes inside us from drying out. And we simply swallow most of it without even thinking about it.

Can you imagine that? In addition to the coffee, soft drinks, water, beer, and whiskey we drink on a daily basis, we're effectively imbibing up to two quarts of snot!

As Homer Simpson might say, "Mmmmmmm . . . . bodily fluids."

But despite the large amount of mucus produced by a healthy person, I couldn't help but think the amount for a sick person was going to blow my mind. After all, mucus production goes into overdrive when we're sick, in an attempt to rid the nasal passages of the little buggers that got in there in the first place. So I kept looking.

According to several websites, however, mucus production during a cold or the flu is difficult to measure. Often, the entire intake of water by the sick person is rushed to the mucus-producing cells by the blood, and the result is the constant running of the nose that makes a Kleenex tissue feel like 20 grit sandpaper after a while. That's where I am; dripping and no doubt well past my allotted two quarts.

But in many cases, the mucus is not flushed properly. In these instances, other little bugs are trapped within it, it gets thicker, and other infection can actually take hold. Production can actually slow. In addition to being thicker, the mucus becomes colored yellow or green, and the patient feels like they have a beach towel jammed into their sinus cavities. Not much fun.

Fortunately, I'm not at that stage this go round, and I hope I won't be. Fingers crossed.

The short of it is, if you're going to be sick, the drippy, runny, flowing mucus is the kind to have. Yes, it's annoying, but it means your body is still working properly to rid itself of an intruder, and it probably means there is no additional sinus or respiratory infection.

For now, I suppose I'll go on blowing the tidal flow of snot out of my head for as long as it takes. Unfortunately, due to the constant friction of Kleenex on my skin, I can't wipe anymore. I hope no one minds where my nose blowing by-products end up, because it won't be on a tissue; at least not until I grown new skin on my raw, wolverine-chewed face.