Apocalypshitz

We're just a few short days into the new year, and already things are going screwy. That in itself is really nothing out of the ordinary, but in the last couple of days, a number of strange things have occurred that put many in the mind of . . . Da da daaa! . . . The Apocalypse!!

A little over a week ago, a passenger jet disappeared in the Pacific, and no one has seen a trace of it or any of the passengers since. I hesitate to say it, but it's as if they were "raptured" right out of here.

Just yesterday, parts of New York City and many of the city's subway trains were shut down, and the streets and tunnels were deserted, because of a bad odor that emanated about the city. Many people were worried until Mayor Michael Bloomberg emerged to announce that there was nothing to be concerned about. The air was okay to breathe. The city just simply stinks sometimes.

The majority of downtown Austin was also shut down yesterday when dozens of dead birds were found in the streets.

In Sugarland, Texas, the citizens were put on evacuation standby when a white haze of unknown origin covered the city. Nearby refineries and chemical plants were unable to identify the haze.

The US has begun strikes in other parts of the world. Wildfires are ravishing million-dollar homes in Malibu. Portions of the northeast are experiencing daytime highs in the 70s. An arsonist tried to set a church choir on fire. And steel guitarist "Sneaky" Pete Kleinow of the Flying Burrito Brothers died Saturday.

If all this isn't enough to convince you the end times are near, Howard Stern just received an 83 million dollar bonus to go with a 500 million dollar contract he signed with Sirius Satellite Radio. Stern gets that much money for tits and ass and for making fart jokes.

Are there really that many adolescent boys who can afford a Sirius subscription?

We are very near the end of civilization.