SUVs and Hodge Podge Filler Material

Before I start this post, I wanted to say, "sputum", just to see if Katie Couric would go slap happy on me. I sort of have this thing about being slapped around by Katie Couric.

Nope?

Okay. . . . Well then, let's see if I can actually come up with something to write about.

I've been feeling really unproductive lately. All I’ve done so far today is check my email, open the software I thought I was going to use, and then gaze at my empty computer screen with the dull stare of a dairy cow.

I’m just not motivated to work. If I were in a movie, I’d be hard pressed to put together one of those inspirational montages. You know the ones where the character is determined to reach a goal, so they edit together a montage of him or her doing things that lead to that goal, and they set it all to some exciting and inspirational music? My montage at this point would contain a single clip of me sitting still, collecting dust, and instead of inspirational music the background audio would be the sound of me blinking.

Not very exciting.

Oh, this was kind of fun though: Do you ever do things just to amuse yourself, even if it makes other people uncomfortable? Today, I got on the elevator, and decided I was going to go totally against convention. I completely ignored established elevator protocol, and instead of facing forward toward the doors, along with the other half dozen or so passengers which is the norm, I turned around and faced them, staring at each one in turn with a silly grin on my face. I then started giggling, and said, “I’m wearing new sox.”

It was amazing how fast everyone got out of the elevator car. I’m pretty sure many of them got off on the wrong floor just to get away from me.

Oh, good times. Good times.

Anyway, I wanted to post something profound about SUVs and global warming, but like everything I undertake with the intention of being profound, I find myself distracted. I can't stop thinking about the names of all the SUVs on the road.

Have you noticed how many SUV model names start with the letter "E" for chrissake? For example, there's the Expedition, the Explorer, the Escalade, the Entourage, the Enclave, the Equinox, the Edge, the Escape, the Envoy, the Element, and the Endeavor.

Apparently, if you're an SUV manufacturer, you are required to at least attempt to come up with a name for your product that starts with an "E". Unfortunately, the cool "E" names are quickly being used up. So in the future, we are as like to see the Encephalon, the Electron, and the Eagle, as we are to see the Eclair, the Eelworm, or even the Excrement.

And I gotta tell you, I'm not sure that last one is going to be a big seller. I just can't imagine the khaki-clad, over-achieving real estate broker with a small penis would be willing to sit in his Excrement in the drive-thru at the local Starbucks. Nor can I see a finely quaffed, cosmetically altered, over-perfumed suburban mother telling her over-fed, under-educated, neo-maxi-zoom-dumbass progeny to collect their soccer equipment and get in the Excrement. Although, perhaps that's precisely where they all belong.

In any case, I can't understand how the names of these SUVs are keeping the buyers coming back for more. I mean, the Sequoia? The Tahoe? The Rendezvous? The Nitro? The Cayenne????

(Yes, Porche's SUV is called the Cayenne. People should boycott all Porche products just for that alone.)

Yet these are the names of the models available, and I just don't see the appeal.

The average SUV only gets enough gas mileage to make it from one filling station to the next. And with gasoline at a week's salary per gallon, if you're an SUV manufacturer, you'd better formulate one master of a marketing plan to sell your product. I would think the perfect name for your vehicle would be the Efficient. Hey, it instills peace of mind and a sense of responsibility in the driver, and it starts with the letter "E".

But perhaps the appeal of the SUV is not in the name. Perhaps it's in the rugged nature of the SUVs.

Well, no. Aside from Jeep and Hummer, most SUVs will flip on a lower incline than even a sedan, and most have axles and drive-shafts that will easily bend or even be broken if driven off a paved surface.

Perhaps the appeal is the cost.

Well, no again. Compared to the average new mid-size and even larger 2 and 4 door cars, the costs of SUVs are exorbitant. By the way, that's a perfect name for the Lexus SUV; the Exorbitance.

No, I think we all know what the appeal is of the SUV — it's big!

Modern Americans are predisposed to waste, and SUVs are waste personified. No wait . . . they are waste carsonified. They're big. They take up too much space while doing very little. They may be powerful, but they're slow. They waste time. They waste fuel. They are the perfect vehicle for the spoiled, live-in-the-moment, I-want-it-now American to destroy the environment for the rest of the world. There should be an SUV emblazoned on our official national seal.

Either that, or we can simply adjust our lifestyles slightly and go buy a sensible car.

Yeah, right. That'll happen.