About Rinderpest.com
Twenty-two years ago, while on a spiritual retreat in the Himalayas, a bright-eyed young man saw a vision of a utopia where there were no racial tensions, there were no wars, there were no corrupt world leaders, tolerance of others and their lifestyles was the norm, men and women earned equal pay for equal work, cats and dogs lived together in harmony, comedians didn't do bad jokes about peanuts on airplanes and sox going missing in the dryer, guacamole didn't turn black so fast, and beer was less than a dollar a pint. And upon envisioning this paradise, that young man turned his face to the heavens, and with courage in his heart and conviction in his mind, he vowed to make his vision a reality.
Unfortunately, he died in an avalanche while descending the mountain. His name was Tom I think, or Jimmy, or something like that.
Anyway, that little anecdote has nothing to do with Rinderpest.com, other than, like the material on this website, it is mildly amusing and at least 85% fabricated.
But that's not why you clicked the About Us button. You want to know what the hell is going on here.
So what is the real story behind Rinderpest.com?
Well, it began as a small nugget of an idea — but then that's how most brilliant endeavors in human history begin — and morphed into what many in the migrant worker industry are calling the Crown Jewel of the Internet. The idea was to have a centralized locale on the web where the sharpest, brightest minds could comment on the issues of the day, discuss world events, debate problematic issues, offer a tale of hope, or simply muse about whatever tickled their intellectual fancies. Unfortunately, the sharpest, brightest minds would have nothing to do with Rinderpest.com, so we were forced to go to Plan B.
We scoured the universities, libraries, bookstores, corporate boardrooms, and Internet forums, and still no one was willing to participate in our online showcase. So we turned to the soup kitchens, Walmart automotive centers, county lock ups, brothels, crack houses, and morgues, and lo and behold, we were finally able to recruit the contributors that make up the Rinderpest.com staff today.
The bloggers come from all over the US and from around the world. Their expertise and interests vary, as do their mental disorders and the pharmaceuticals they use to treat them.
It's amazing how much we writers learn from each other in this setting. I mean, no one makes eye contact or addresses anyone else by name, but despite any meager debilitating neuroses we possess, there's a true feeling of camaraderie amongst the contributors that is downright palpable. It's really a treat to be a part of something like this; something so fun and relatively disease-free.
Please keep in mind, however, that even with the good vibes, and even with our trailer park intellectual prowess, none of the Rinderpest.com bloggers is paid a dime to contribute. We do this out of the goodness of our hearts — or to satisfy the terms of our community service — so your undying adulation and/or scorn in the form of Comments within each blog, or in the form of email and grassroots campaigns, whereby you tell your family and friends how great we are, is about the best we can hope for in the way of compensation. Of course if you insist on breaking convention, we will grudgingly accept cash gifts, credit card numbers, vintage cars, savings bonds, doubloons, and pudding pops.
But what does "rinderpest" mean, and why use it as a name for a website?
Webster's defines "rinderpest" as:
an acute infectious febrile disease of ruminant mammals (as cattle) that is caused by a paramyxovirus and is marked by diarrhea and inflammation of mucous membranes
It is in that spirit that we bring you this wonderful website. For you see, like the paramyxovirus, we may occasionally attack ruminant mammals, particularly the proverbial sacred cows, hopefully causing them painful diarrhea and inflammation (if not bleeding) of the mucous membranes. The way we see it, when it comes to purveyors of idiocy, proponents of bullshit, advocates of oppression, or elitist scumbags, there can't be too much bilious fluid oozing from any of their orifices. And the same goes for any traditionally untouchable icon.
Our goal is not necessarily to be subversive. Our goal is to be amusing and entertaining and when luck is on our side, funny. But when you have a true repository of free speech, like Rinderpest.com, subversiveness is inevitable, and frankly we like having it that way. It's very liberating.
Our blogs will contain various types of entries, including essays, anecdotes, deposition summaries, rants, slices of life, tall tales, love letters, news features, grocery lists, and haiku, all meant to amuse you and have you tell your friends about us. At times, we will be silly, dry, witty, ridiculous, sarcastic, high-handed, lowbrow, absurd, goofy, and maybe even covered with whipped cream. But we will hold no punches if a post of ours happens to be about any of society's sacred cows, whether it be religion, politics, or yo momma.
This is not a disclaimer, because we despise that type of coddling, but we want you to know that at Rinderpest.com, we will never censor our language, nor will we curb our subject matter FOR ANYONE. So don't even ask.
The good thing about the Internet is that no matter how many repressed cretins with outmoded morals and religious fundamentalist idiots hate what you have to say, they cannot burn a website.
But I digress.
The bottom line is, the blog entries you read on Rinderpest.com are only edited for glaring typos and grammatical errors that would make us look extra stupid. And as such, the content remains exactly as the author wrote it. If you're not comfortable with candid, adult discussions about all types of subject matter, perhaps you should keep your keister clinched and go see what banal garbage Oprah's peddling today. Because, on this website, we are as likely to discuss truthfully the foibles of beloved public figures as we are to examine closely the intricacies of ass waxing in the porn industry. The subject matter is unregulated and practically limitless.
So for those of you who don't mind seeing the world in its dingy gray boxers, welcome. Look around. You just might find something here to entertain you. We hope you stick with us while we're polishing the website and mastering the process of maintaining it. We're sure to experience some growing pains, but in the meantime, perhaps we can make you laugh.
Our bloggers write at their own paces. One cannot force inspiration, so at times, sporadic contributions may be all we are able to offer you. But the site will be updated as often as possible, so you and your friends can click by a few times a week and be entertained and/or nauseated by what you read.
All we ask is that you flush before you leave.
Also, don't forget you can post comments within each blog. And if you like what we do at Rinderpest.com, bookmark the site, and tell all your friends about us.