Is Blogger Nuts?

For some reason Blogger thinks this is a spam site, and I've tried to unlock it for a month now.

Does anyone actually work for Blogger, or are my requests disappearing into the abyss?

Numb and Number

The above title might give you the notion that this post is a movie review by a harelip Jim Carrey fan. It's not.

Not long ago, I made a joke to some friends about Twitter being a waste of time that got a lot of fairly passionate responses. The joke was crass and way over the top, and no doubt that's what touched the collective nerve of the Twitterers, but crass and over the top is just what I do. (Though some might argue juvenile and unfunny is just what I do. Witness the harelip joke.)

At any rate, the truth is, I actually find value in Tweets, even though I don't use the medium myself all that much.

But today I came across this news story, and thought a mention might make for a decent discussion.

Apparently, scientists at the University of Southern California are finding that bombardment of information through media like TV, Twitter, Facebook, and other social networking sites could "numb our sense of morality and make us indifferent to human suffering".

According to the study, brain scans show that humans process and respond quickly to signs of physical pain in others, but take longer to show admiration or compassion. Admiration for virtue or skill, or compassion for physical or social pain are deemed "slow-burn" emotions, taking longer to flower in our gray matter.

And quick, unrelenting bursts of information take our attention away from one point and onto another in rapid-fire succession before slow-burn emotions have time to register (assuming the information warrants such reactions).

So if we are constantly moving on to something else, the scientists at USC suggest our moral compass may be affected. They say we may not register admiration, and that we could actually become numb to human suffering.

I don't know if this is true or not, but anecdotally, I can say it seems to me that many people I encounter that are addicted to TV shows, or to their Blackberries, or to texting and Tweeting on cell phones are in fact numb to human suffering. They seem to have no clue as to how much they annoy me.

Dude, Don't Bogart the Internet

Is there anything the Internet can't do? Seriously, is there anything?

The Internet places a wealth of information right at our fingertips. It provides a means by which we can procure goods and services from all over the world. It allows us to keep track of all the people we hated in high school. It blesses us with fabulous pictures and videos of explicit sexual acts when we are unable to participate in those acts ourselves. It allows us to be a part of electronic lives of some kick ass people. And it can get us high!

That's right, the Internet can apparently get us baked, stoned, fried, gooned, wigged, tweaked, goofed, and zoned. Basically, it can get us good and fucked up.

Using the Internet, we can achieve the same mental states we can with drugs, only without all the pesky smoking, shooting, ingesting, or absorbing of any substances.

At least, that is the concern of some parents.

Take a look at this news item. It details the controversy surrounding a website called I-Doser.com that claims to be "the industry leader in binaural brainwave technology". Basically I-Doser offers sounds — auditory tones — and claims that the tones, which they sell for five bucks a pop for download over the Internet, can affect mental states.

And parents are worried that the tones can essentially duplicate any state that can be achieved through conventional drugs. They're worried their kids can get high.

There are even several YouTube videos portraying the various types of high one can attain using I-Doser.

A few things come to my mind that might explain this whole thing:

1. Suggestibility


2. Wishful thinking


3. Outright scam

I mean if it were indeed possible to get blotto by downloading and listening to a sound, I wouldn't have to worry about finishing this sentence. I'd be too high to care.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying being high is the state of mind we should strive for above all others. I'm just saying it can be a fun one. And the convenience of this type of delivery system would be great.

Unfortunately, I don't see anything that would make me think this type of greatness is available yet.

Best Word of '08 Chosen

On January 9, the American Dialect Society held its annual convention where its main order of business was to choose the top words and phrases of 2008. ADS members gathered to debate which American English vocabulary items — not just words but phrases — were not only newly prominent, but also notable and impactful in the past year. The staff at the Airport Motor Lodge (or where ever they actually met) kept them supplied with coffee and danish as they the discussed the merits of contenders like "Palinesque," "skadoosh," "bromance" and "thought showers" before voting for an overall winner.

By the way, I'm still digging one of 2007's contenders, which was "Googleganger". According to the society, "Googleganger" is a play on "doppelganger". A Googleganger is a person with your name who shows up when you Google yourself.

Go try it, and see if you have any cool Googlegangers.

But the words for 2008 are just as fun.

So, from the American Dialect Society website, here are the words chosen as 2008's best words or phrases. There are several different categories, and I've included the runners up the society considered in addition to the winners.

WORD OF THE YEAR WINNER: bailout, the rescue by the government of companies on the brink of failure, including large players in the banking industry.

Other nominees for word of the year:

Barack Obama: Both names as combining forms in a large number of new words. A combining form is a word or part of a word that can be used as the root or basis of other words.

lipstick on a pig: An adornment of something that can't be made pretty.

change: Not so much a buzzword as political wallpaper, background noise, and ambient energy rolled into one. The idea of discarding old ideas and methods seemed to underlie everything said by national political candidates.

shovel-ready: Used to describe infrastructure projects that can be started quickly when funds become available.

game-changer: In business and politics, something that alters the nature of a marketplace, relationship, or campaign. From sports ‘something that changes a match or contest.’

—MOST USEFUL—

WINNER: Barack Obama: Both names as combining forms.

text(ing), in driving while texting (DWT), the sending of text messages while conducting and automobile, and textwalker, a person who texts while walking.

bailout: The rescue by the government of companies on the brink of failure, including large players in the banking industry.

Palinesque: Pertaining to a person who has extended themselves beyond their expertise, thereby bringing ridicule upon a serious matter.

—MOST CREATIVE—

WINNER: recombobulation area: An area at Mitchell International Airport in Milwaukee in which passengers that have just passed through security screening can get their clothes and belongings back in order.

long photo: A video of 90 seconds or less. Used by the photo-sharing web site Flickr.

skadoosh: A nonsense interjection popularized by Jack Black in the movie Kung Fu Panda.

rofflenui: A blended New Zealand English-Maori word that means “rolling on the floor laughing a lot.”

—MOST UNNECESSARY—

WINNER: moofing: From “mobile out of office,” meaning working on the go with a laptop and cell phone. Created by a PR firm.

First Dude: The husband of a governor or president.

bromance: A very close relationship between two heterosexual men.

—Most Outrageous—

WINNER: terrorist fist jab: A knuckle-to-knuckle fist bump, or “dap,” traditionally performed between two black people as a sign of friendship, celebration or agreement. It was called the “terrorist fist jab” by the newscaster E. D. Hill, formerly of Fox News.

body-snarking: Posting pictures and commenting negatively on the bodies of the people in them.

fish pedicure: A cosmetic procedure in which fish eat the dead skin off the feet.

baby mama: From a man’s point of view, a woman to whom he is not married and who is the mother of his child.

—MOST EUPHEMISTIC—

WINNER: scooping technician: A person whose job it is to pick up dog poop.

age-doping: The falsification of records to show that an athlete meets participation requirements for a sporting event.

thought showers: Coined by a British city council because the synonym “brainstorming” was said to be offensive to epileptics.

—Most Likely to Succeed—

WINNER: shovel-ready: Used to describe infrastructure projects that can be started quickly when funds become available.

Tw-, tweet-, twitt-Combining forms all connoting a relationship to Twitter, a free nano-blogging service.

[name] the [job]: Joe the Plumber, etc.

Phelpsian: Excellent in the fashion of swimmer Michael Phelps, who won eight medals and set seven world records in the 2008 Summer Olympics.

-licious: A suffix which connotes desirability or attractiveness of the thing whose name it is combined with.

—Least Likely to Succeed—

WINNER: PUMA: An acronym for Party Unity My Ass, used by Democrats who were disaffected after Hillary Clinton failed to secure a sufficient number of delegates. It was later said to stand for Party Unity Means Action.

nuke the fridge: To ruin a movie franchise through the arrogance of a successful producer or director.

-cation: Suffix connotating “vacation” in blends like mancation, staycation, hurrication, evacucation.

—NEW CATEGORY: ELECTION-RELATED WORDS—

WINNER: maverick: A person who is beholden to no one. Widely used by the Republican Presidential and Vice-Presidential candidates, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Also in the adjectival form mavericky, used by Tina Fey portraying Palin on Saturday Night Live.

lipstick on a pig: An adornment of something that can’t be made pretty.

hopey-changey: Derisive epithet incorporating Obama’s two main buzzwords (also dopey hopey changey).

hockey mom: A mother who spends a great deal of time and money aggressively abetting her children’s interest in the sport of hockey.

Caffeine: Hallucinogen of Choice

So, caffeine apparently induces hallucinations.

Damn, is there anything caffeine can't do?

When it's in coffee form, its aroma wakes us gently each morning, like an attentive lover — a lover that smells like a robust French blend. It urges us out each day into the elements with a warmth in our bellies that, as it fades, insists we renew it at the ceaseless fountains found in the ubiquitous corner shops. It sharpens our minds, so we can curse the other sorry bastards on the freeways and subways with clarity and aplomb and a level of aggression that is slightly above comfortable for any social situation. It quietly and humbly readies us to begin working at jobs we don't want to do. In energy drink form, it raises our blood pressure to the point where we can feel that life-affirming pounding in our temples. It provides us a means by which we are able to paint the house, do the taxes, and install a sprinkler system at the city park all at the same time, without even caring that our hearts are in danger of exploding like an over-filled water balloon.

And now, we discover it also induces hallucinations!!

That is not just awesome. That is extra-strength awesome. Caffeine truly is a wonder drug.

No more will we be forced to ingest a tiny piece of paper that has been soaked in chemicals to experience visions and to open our minds to alternative realities. No more will we find a need to gobble up earthy bits of fungus that grow on cow shit to warp the ordinary into something extraordinary. All we need to do to escape the confines of mundane, everyday life is ride upon the gossamer wings of caffeine. A mere pot and a half of coffee or half a case of soda can take us to worlds beyond this one. It can open the doors to Xanadu and usher us in on a cloud where we are met by wonderful music and voices and multiple personalities.

Oh, the possibilities.

But as exciting as this news about caffeine is, I'm a little worried about the long-term effects. I'm scared things may go bad, as they often do when we discover something that helps us escape so easily.

I mean, I currently mainline my morning coffee. I just shoot it right into my vein. And I worry that as I crave the visions and hallucinations more and more, I won't be able to keep things in check. Someday you'll see me strung out in an alley somewhere, and I'll say something like: "Hey, nice lady? Hey, come on. Don't run away. Help a brotha out. You got any Colombian, Brazilian, anything. I'll even take Folger's, if you got it. How 'bout a Pepsi. You gotta Pepsi? Come on, man. I'm hurtin'."

Because, you know, that's how it starts. One day you're sipping a cappuccino, talking to a miniature version of Abe Lincoln in a bikini, the next you're under a freeway overpass strung out on Red Bull and Mountain Dew, looking to score a can of the fabled Jolt Cola so you can return to the battle against the Jewish Leprechauns and scary circus clowns that have captured Princess Clitoris and the golden stallions of Chocolate Valley.

When the Earth Tries to Kill Us

Hello everyone! God damn, it's good to see you all again.

Many of you may not even know that I was on a nature-induced hiatus from blogging. (By the way, for as long as I've been fascinated with the English language, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would string together the words "a nature-induced hiatus from blogging" and find it perfectly captures what I mean to say.) Hurricane Ike blew through Houston a little over a week ago, and I have had very few chances at finding a place with electricity, which has severely limited the amount of time I've been able to spend online.

So in addition to being way behind on what's been happening around here, I just know that there have been all sorts of cool and freaky innovations in the Internet porn industry that I've missed out on.

Damn it!

But you can bet I'll catch up soon enough . . . . On both fronts.

At any rate, I've been through half a dozen or so hurricanes in my life now — two of which were real ass-kickers (Alicia and Ike) — and there's not much I can relate about the experience that's pleasant. Mostly what a hurricane brings to your neighborhood is a few hours of an atmospheric maelstrom followed by about two weeks of sweaty, miserable clean-up, where frustrations mount, patience wears thin, and fat guys really smell.

If you can't come to see a strip of peppered beef jerky, an unsealed bottle of tepid water, and a good candle to read by as luxuries, a post-hurricane environment is probably not for you.

The common amenities we take for granted vanish quickly, and whatever playing field the various cultures and classes in the area exist on is indiscriminately leveled. The "deer in the headlights" look is plastered on the faces of the rich and the poor alike, as folks venture out to assess the damage immediately following the storm. And after two weeks of working to get back to normal, the "thousand yard stare" is likewise a shared mask.

Simply put, hurricanes and their aftermath are not fun.

But there are elements in these situations that can inspire, and there are certainly many things to learn.

Now, I would never recommend anyone seek out a storm and travel to where it's going to hit on purpose. Many uninitiated folks have a strong curiosity to see one for themselves — an attitude that generally changes quickly when the dance really starts — but it's just not a smart thing to do. Listen to those who've been there before, and stay the fuck at home.

However, if you find yourself in the path of one with no option but to stay, understand that what's coming is a powerful force of nature.

And I don't mean powerful in the summer afternoon thunderstorm sort of way. I don't mean powerful in the 45mph gusts at the beach last summer sort of way. I don't mean powerful in the flooded intersection at rush hour sort of way.

I mean powerful in the I'm nothing but a mote of dust that can be picked up and tossed to another time zone at any given moment sort of way. I mean powerful in a I just shit my pants because I am totally and utterly helpless against this strength sort of way. I mean powerful in the I might as well get wasted so I won't feel it when a truck falls on me from out of the sky sort of way.

Understand that when Mother Nature tightens her iron fingers around your throat and fucks you in the ass with a barbed wire dildo, that's just foreplay. She's just warming up. There are accoutrements in her secret cabinet that you've never dreamed of. It's going to be a long, hard road before you can enjoy a cigarette in the afterglow of an encounter with her.

But you know what? That understanding is very humbling. It's enough to make a human being realize that he or she is nothing but a small part of something much bigger and stronger. Yes, it is terrifying. But it's inspiring at the same time.

I feel it in smaller measures when I'm out in the ocean surfing, but a big storm really intensifies it. If we define spirituality as the internal manifestation of awe and wonder peppered with the excitement and thrill of the unknown, it is in a very real sense a spiritual thing.

And when the storm blows through and levels the playing field for the survivors, there is more awe and wonder to be found in the actions and behavior of our fellow man.

Despite the frustrations and tensions and stinky people (okay, I admit it, everyone stinks), a sense of fellowship blossoms in the community with every act of kindness and selflessness, and it speaks directly to the ideals any sane person has ever formulated for his species. The word "stranger" has no meaning, as people of all races and religions band together for tasks menial and monumental. In situations like this, everyone is crippled to some extent, but even the most crippled are willing to give what they have, even if it is merely to provide another human being comfort for just a little while.

And it's this aspect of a hurricane that may be even more amazing than the power of the storm itself. The storm is external to us. It hits us from the outside, and then moves on. The community, on the other hand, the camaraderie, the sacrifices we make for each other in the wake of it all come from us, and we see the potential for those things to stay and become a more prevalent part of the collective. We realize that, hey, maybe we really can go through life without so much bitterness and disdain toward one another simply because we're different.

We know we can do it. The teamwork and neighborly cheer in the aftermath of a big storm or other binding disaster is evidence that we're capable of behaving the way we all believe we should.

Maybe someday that will continue even after the hard times have past.

In the meantime, I am still without electricity at my house, though it's forecast to be restored in a day or two. But I'm back at work, and that's good news, if only because I can now play with you all throughout the day again.

And I gotta tell you. It feels good to be back.

Can I Get a Witness?

Sorry it has been so long since my last post here, but I've been busy lobbying the government to pass a new law, and it's eaten into my "goof off on a blog" time.

Anyway, the law I want passed basically states that if you are retired and over the age of 65, you cannot leave your house between the hours of 11am and 1:30pm on any weekday.

I'm sorry retirees, but that is the time when working folks like me go out for lunch and to run errands, and you guys are just clogging up the gears. We only have a little bit of time before we have to be back at work and your slow pace and confusion about the world in general not only eats up the clock the rest of us are watching, but causes hypertension, ulcers, and other stress-related anomalies, because we try to hide the fact that we want to push you down and step right over you.

Think that's harsh? Maybe it is. Think you've earned the right to go as slow as a snail at all times? Maybe you have, but the rest of are in the process of earning our retirement right now, so stay out of our way at lunchtime.

And if you insist on going out in the middle of the day, here are some helpful hints:

1. Use taxis. Do not drive. Ever. The cab driver won't forget where he's going after every turn and slow down to try to read street signs through glasses with Coke bottle lenses. The cab driver doesn't have to slow down to point out to Mabel for the hundred and fiftieth time where Jimmy Cantu used to live before his son done stuck him in one those old folks' homes. The cab driver won't get confused because the Piggly Wiggly where he shopped in the Depression era is now something called H.E.B. The cab driver can navigate the freeway system at the posted speed limits without straddling two lanes and without his left blinker on the entire time. And the cab driver is not going to try turn left in a "No Left Turn" zone from the middle lane!


2. And if you insist on driving, buy a smaller car. You probably couldn't handle the tank you're strapped into when you were young, and you sure as hell can't handle it now. Many of you can no longer even see over the steering wheel for chrissake. And guess what, people tend to put things like flower beds, trees, bushes, mailboxes, and children in their yards because they like the way they look there; not as indicators to you that you're getting too close to a house. You shouldn't have to bounce off stuff to stay in your lane.


3. Get a check card or a credit card. And USE IT! I can't recommend this enough. No one — and I mean no one — wants to get behind a lunatic counting out pennies for a large purchase, especially when he has to start over every five seconds because he keeps stopping to tell the cashier she looks like his granddaughter. Banks aren't stealing your money just because you can't see it, and the merchant has no interest in stealing your identity. And you know what, no one wants to spend 2 birthdays in the Stop 'n Rob listening to you tell the man with the funny accent behind the counter that you didn't fight in two wars so he could come to this country and swindle you out of a hard-earned American dollar. It's a buck and half! Get your newspaper and your lottery ticket and get out of the way.

Hopefully these hints will help, because we all know how difficult it is to get a law passed around here.

And don't feel bad retirees, you all are welcome to roam around at will in the mornings. You're up before everyone else anyway. Plus the afternoons and after work are fair game for everyone, too. Of course by then you have already eaten dinner, and you're just a Matlock rerun away from turning in for the night.

Just let us make to your age without so much stress so we can annoy the hell out of the next generation.