Damn, I suck. What a fuckup.

Some have New Year's Resolutions; I have Summer Goals. Every year, at the beginning of June, I devise a plan to make one improvement in my life by Labor Day weekend. Well, this year I chose "develop an inferiority complex."

Why that? Simple. I've never had one before; thought it'd be fun to try one out. I am one arrogant son of a bitch. People use words such as self-absorbed, selfish, even megalomaniacal to describe me-and they're right. I am often asked, "Why do you think you're better than everybody else?" Huh? When did I say that? Thinking I was better than anybody else, much less everybody, would mean taking time to consider their worth relative to my own--time that could better be spent thinking about me, exclusively.

So maybe the arrogance bit has played itself out. Perhaps now it's time to go after an inferiority complex. All my friends have them, after all--no surprise, really. When one is forced to bask in my glory so often, such thinking is bound to develop.

Unfortunately, we've reached the end of summer, Labor Day is upon us, and I still think I'm hot shit. How could I have failed so miserably? I tried everything. I got fired and lived on the streets, debasing myself by giving fretful handjobs in dark alleys for enough dosh to buy Camels and beef jerky. I got a penis reduction surgery and walked around naked, letting the derisive laughter of the populace wash over me. I even bashed myself in the head with a hammer to try and knock off a few arrogance-inducing IQ points. Nope. I still am convinced of my own greatness, in spite of it all. I can't even accomplish what should be the easy task of convincing myself I'm worthless-what good am I? If I can't do that, someone might as well just fucking kill me. The world would be a better place for it, I am sure. How could I not be sure, after all? I'm never wrong.