Welcome to Part I of a soon-to-be more-than-one-part exposition: Juan Puto's People's Annoying Habits. And by people I mean you. So, if I may, You's Annoying Habit #1: Methodically Clinking Each Individual Glass After a Toast. This one is a must-read for you right before the holidays, because this is when you do it most often.

You and Jane pop over to Eddie's house for the obligatory Christmas-time social gathering. Eddie's wife Kate looks great, but you're careful not to stare. That guy who's always over there is there and you greet him with the "hey, guy!" that you feel disguises your ignorance of his name. Sean is there, in town from his interesting job that he likes (God, you hate Christmas!), regaling everyone with tales of how his life is exactly how he imagined it would be when y'all were growing up. Sally is there, plump and talkative; Nick smokes out back with Donna; Carl wears a sweater. Just the ten of you. Eddie pours everyone a glass of cider and gives a toast to something perfunctory - friendship, maybe, or good times. Then you do it.

Everybody says "cheers," and you clink each individual glass. "Cheers, Sean. Cheers, Nick. Cheers, Eddie. Cheers, Ka - err, Jane. Cheers, Sally. Cheers, guy. Cheers, Kate. Cheers, Carl. Cheers, Donna. Cheers." Then, if you're not dead from dehydration, you take a sip, praying to God you don't swallow any glass shards.

You're like John-Boy Walton: "Good night, Pa." "Good night, John-Boy." "Good night, Mary Ellen." "Good night, John-Boy," etc. The thing is, that was both silly and heart-warming on TV, and it eased our nation through the troubled Carter Years. From you, in 2005, it's just annoying. Do you realize that for a group of X people, there will be (X-1)*(X/2) glass-clinks, if everybody is as annoying as you? Leaving you and your friends a 0/X chance of getting laid by an attractive stranger this Christmas season? Is that what you want?

So this Christmas season, for Christ's sake, DRINK to something. When Eddie suggests "the season," say "No - to 'hunting Sean for sport!' or to 'me and Kate in your bed, with Carl taking pictures for next year's greeting cards!'" Then thrust that stein into the fray for anybody who's with you, and pound some sauce! Leave a healthy portion for your manly Viking-like beard, which you can start growing out now.

You'll be more entertaining than "The Waltons."