Rest assured, gentle readers, that we here at Rinderpest are committed to providing only top shelf comedy. We are not the kind of people who sit around and then churn out a half-assed column at the last minute merely because a deadline is upon us.

Perish the thought. Really.

So.

Hot enough for you?

Okay, enough with the cheap gags. Actually, by that I mean "enough with that one specific cheap gag," as you'll soon see.

At any rate, this week I'd like to provide the readership here at Rinderpest (which I believe consists of my Aunt June and Uncle Otis) a brief etiquette guide for social situations that may crop up. And to remind June that my birthday is coming ( I wear a 43 Regular and my favorite color is blue).

This week, I was finishing a work out at my local gym when a woman, part of the cleaning staff who handled the towels, stepped inside just as I was coming out of the showers to dry off. For my part, the etiquette was fairly easy: cover up with a towel and stand around self-consciously until she left.

For her, however, the situation was a bit trickier. At least I assume it must have been. At first, I foolishly thought that her choices were similarly easy: apologize and leave, perhaps with a side order of not coming in if you aren't 100% sure that naked men are not roaming around inside a shower area (unless you're into that; I can personally take it or leave it).

Instead, she proved there was at least one other option: continuing folding towels like normal.

After a few moments, I decided to see if I might bring her around to my way of thinking - the "get out now" way. I therefore approached her.

"Excuse me. But I've got to get dressed." I started.

"It's okay."

I tried starting a new round of negotiations, but that was all she'd say: "It's okay."

"It really isn't," was all I managed at the time, mainly because my towel kept slipping. It is an established fact that concern over slipping towels was the main problem with debates in ancient Rome; Caesar would never have managed to take power if it weren't for Pompey losing his towel at a crucial moment in the big Senate debate with Marc Antony. Rome, despite outward successes after that, never truly recaptured its past glory as a Republic until Marcus Aurelius invented the clothespin at the beginning of his reign in 161 A.D.

But her response triggered this column. "It's okay," regardless of your position on the "get out/stay in" debate, is simply unacceptable. "It's okay" is not anything that you should be saying in these sorts of situations.

Simply put, it is not okay: it's freaking spectacular madam, and I can provide affidavits if necessary to prove that fact.

So, in place of "It's okay," here is a brief list of acceptable phrases. This list is not meant to be exhaustive:

• "My God, it's a young Tom Cruise. Only smart and not crazy-as-a-loon."
• "Madre de Dios! I must bear your children NOW."
• "My life is now complete. I die happy."
• (silently make the sign of the cross and kneel in a short, silent prayer)

Any of the above would be acceptable. Along with "It's okay," there are a number of other statements that would be inappropriate to say:

• "Hey, aren't you Ed Asner?"
• "Would a couple more laps around the track kill you, Porky?"
• "I'm sorry. I thought this was the MEN's shower."

I hope that this guide has been helpful, and that Uncle Otis is feeling better and has gotten over being kicked by that mule.