Source: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=1128953&page=1

Sept. 15, 2005 - Authorities are investigating the disappearance from a New Jersey bioterror research lab of at least three mice carrying a deadly strain of plague. Sources say FBI agents and bioterrorism experts have interviewed and polygraphed employees at the University of Medicine and Dentistry in Newark, N.J., the location of the lab run by the Public Health Research Institute, a leading center for research on infectious diseases.

Ok. First of all, does no one see a problem that our "leading center" for bioterrorism research is a university of dentistry . . . in New Jersey? You can't miss it - it's right next to Kathy's School of Cosmetology and Nuclear Research Center. When the research grant came through, are you telling me no one foresaw problems with that? What was the idea, that if a horrible plague devastated New Jersey, no one would really notice - so it was the perfect spot?

So now, mice escaped from the bioterror lab, even without PETA's help this time.

What were the mice carrying, I hear you ask? Bubonic plague.

"This is the black death," said Richard Ebright, a microbiologist at Rutgers University. "This is the disease that killed a quarter of Europe's population."

Oh, yeah. That plague.

Officials discovered two weeks ago a failure to account for three of 24 mice that had been injected with a bacterium that causes various forms of the plague, including bubonic plague, inside the high-security facility located in the middle of the city of Newark.

They keep using the words "high security."

[Inigo Montoya voice] I don' thin' it means what they thin' it means.

Ok, perhaps these were exceptionally clever and determined mice. However, we aren't talking about an Escape from Alcatraz here or a team of crack infiltration experts. They're mice. Dear Sweet Jesus, people - my eight year old niece has managed to keep a mouse from escaping for a year and a half with a budget of $14.95 and a plastic tank. How exactly do they define "high security" so that it makes the precautions taken by an eight year old look like she's running a cross between Fort Knox and Strategic Air Command?!

[F]ederal authorities, including the FBI, have criticized the lab for lax procedures that resulted in a potential public health menace.

Gee. Ya think?! Good news, guys - my niece agrees: you suck.

The Public Health Research Institute concedes the missing mice are a problem.

I'd really like to think of something cutting to say here, but a sudden attack of sputtering apoplexy had left me frothing on the ground, instead. Nothing I could say here could really encapsulate the disembowelment that I feel like delivering.

"Even though we process 10,000 animals and we can account for nearly all of them, the fact that we couldn't account for three are three too many," said Dr. David Perlin, a researcher at the institute.

"Nearly all of them." [another fit of apoplexy followed, I am afraid] Well, as long as they were close, I guess we can give them points for trying. Points delivered at the front of arrows sped along their merry way by a squad of angry Welsh long-bowmen from about 50 feet would be my preference.

Ok. So let me see if I understand this. . . .

The authorities are allowing them to keep another 9,997 potential plague vectors in the same "high security" set up that was foiled by three mice?

And people want the federal government to take over more of our security and safety?!

BONUS REVIEW: New Jersey Vacations. I'd stay away for a few weeks. Just in case.