For about a year now, I've been wanting to call up one of the companies that manufactures those "Support the War, or Else!" ribbon-shaped car magnets. No, not to ask them where they're located so that I can burn the joint down. I wouldn't even give them any guff about being low-level war profiteers peddling jingoistic and divisive (albeit non-committal) one-upmanship to a hawkish and easily led American public.

I haven't called, precisely because I don't want to get into all of that � and because I'm 95% certain that it would be an overseas call, and I don't know when peak hours begin in China. (I think the irony here � having our More-American-Than-Thou car magnets made in the country most likely to eat our economic lunch in the next 20 years � is pretty self-evident.)

But if I did ever get around to calling, it would be to ask about manufacturing some car magnets of my own. I don't need anything as complex as a looped ribbon � that little cut-out alone probably doubles the cost of those babies. Instead, I just want some little magnets in the shape of a capital D.

Specifically, I want D-shaped magnets where the "D" is in the exact same font and color used to stamp "HUMMER" on the back of the world's most odious street-legal vehicle. And I want 'em just the right size to slap over the "H."

That's right: I want to vandalize Hummers. Actually, "vandalize" is probably too harsh a word. I just want to play a wicked but harmless little joke on every smug honkymofo who boards a vehicle the size of a city bus to run errands no more exotic than picking up the dry cleaning. Given the level of self-absorption that must go along with thinking you need one of these bad boys, I give the average owner a week to ten days to spot the editorial and remove it, during which time plenty of folks on the road will have ample occasion to point and laugh.

I've envisioned myself staking out such likely nesting grounds as Starbucks, Eddie Bauer, and Bering's, waiting to add my magnetic commentary to any Hummer that lumbers in and parks. Gas stations in tonier neighborhoods would also be a hot location � after all, I'm pretty sure a Hummer has to fill up just to make the block. They must spend hours out of each day attached to the gas pump, like a 90-year-old lifelong smoker to an oxygen tank. At any rate, I could just casually walk by and, like the hero Letter Man, swap that H for a D and make someone's day.

All kidding aside for a moment: I know that there are legitimate uses for these vehicles. They're pretty good for forest rangers, as long as there are pre-existing paths so you don't have to bash out new ones to accommodate the Hummer's width. They can serve as hardy rescue vehicles for off-road locations � again, as long as there's room. I wouldn't mind knowing that there was a Hummer ambulance nearby if I ever did any kind of extreme mountain-climbing wackiness. And they're not bad in a war zone, if you armor them properly.

But what the hell does it say about our society that Hummer dealerships are sprouting up all over major cities like Houston, where the highest point within a hundred miles is an overpass on Beltway 8? Are there really that many men out there who have "I left my penis in my other pants" syndrome, and choose to compensate with two tons of metal? Are there really that many women out there whose husbands � this is similar to, and now eclipsing, the Volvo Effect � feel their driving skills are so abysmal that they put them in the vehicle most likely to squash the other guy instead?

Most of all, are there really that many people out there who are willing to cough up the price of a small house, just to have to navigate the city streets and tight parking spaces in a vehicle that's the size of . . . well, a small house? Even with gas at $3.00 a gallon, is there still a sucker born every minute?

These questions are really too depressing to ponder, as the evidence of the answers goes rumbling through town every day. Instead, let's look at possible uses for this unwieldy and (nearly always) unnecessary beast.

Here's a tidbit I read on Abram Himelstein's blog in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina:

". . . the chief of information for the City of New Orleans smashed a Hummer into the Office Depot to get supplies so he could maintain communications for the city . . ."

Now that, dear reader, is a very handy use for a Hummer in a city � specifically, a post-apocalyptic city, but there it is. With any luck, that kind of city will continue to be the exception, not the rule, but you never know.

Here are some other suggestions for making these behemoths useful:

• Gather donated Hummers from repentant drivers, harvesting spare parts and sheet metal to fix and reinforce the actual Humvees that our military is using in Iraq.

• Park some Hummers on small plots of land around the city, and convert them into quaint diners � like those old-fashioned railcar diners, only with more seating.

• Win the lottery, buy up several dozen Hummers, and plant the damn things � la Cadillac Ranch, configured so that when seen from space, they spell out "I SPEAK FOR THE TREES."

Hey, it's a start.