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Piggies and Other Erotica
by Rebecca Watson
I have a profile on one of those sites where total strangers write you and ask to be friends. They collect "friends" and use the total number to determine self-worth. My profile includes my photo along with some info about me, like my favorite bands and whatnot. Or, that's what it should include, if I had bothered to write anything but smartass comments insulting other users and begging them not to send me messages. At the moment, my self-worth is pretty low, since I limited the number to people I actually know,* but surprisingly, I get a fairly large amount of random messages. A while back, I received the following message from someone named "Scotty," who I've never known a day in my life. The message is reproduced here exactly as Scotty intended.
Here's a quick survey to see where u stand.
I found this introduction to be particularly fascinating. Ordinarily, the messages I receive range from "Yo hottie wassup" to "i betchu think your kool." But Scotty, he was putting it all out there. We've never talked before, yet he decided to introduce himself by making what must have been a difficult confession about his foot fetish. This sort of brutal honesty deserved the same in return. I replied immediately: I suppose you think this is funny, seeing as I'm a double amputee. Well, it's not. I hope in the future you have a bit more sympathy for those less fortunate than yourself. Maybe one day you'll be stuck in a wheelchair, too, and then you'll have plenty of time to sit there and think about your behavior. I was thrilled to receive a reply a short time later. People say you can't really connect with people on the Internet, but I firmly believed otherwise. Here's what Scotty had to say: can we spell bullshit? i don't think u r a amputee as u proclaim. thats a little too odd for me anyways.. so.. what ever.. This was clearly an invitation to a lively conversation on the nature of "the mask" in Internet correspondence. I was so excited to meet another curious intellectual via this new digital method. We surely live in amazing times. The future is now! Anyway, here's what I wrote back: Well, I can spell "bullshit," and frankly I'm shocked that you can, too, seeing as you appear to have all the language skills of a goat impotently stabbing at a keyboard with his twisted little horn-nubs. I am sorry that the reality of some people being amputees is "too odd" for you. Perhaps if you squeeze your eyes shut and wish hard enough, everyone in the world will be blessed with four limbs and a foot fetish, just like you. This was almost three months ago, and I have yet to receive a response. I'm getting worried. SCOTTY ARE YOU OKAY? Email Rebecca Watson at: RWatson@rinderpest.com * I made the mistake of adding one stranger, who turned out to believe that highly intelligent life forms from across the galaxy come to earth to suck our souls out our anuses, or something. No more. |
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