I managed to catch up with your favorite Savior (and mine) in his loft on the Upper East Side recently to discuss matters of pressing theological importance. I found him sitting comfortably on his couch, bathed in a mysterious aura of otherworldly light. Wait, no. He was actually hovering a few centimeters above the couch. That seemed like as good a place as any to begin:

Jay: Welcome, Jesus. Thanks for granting us this interview.

Jesus Christ: Sure, sure, anytime. It's good to be here.

Jay: I can't help but notice that you're hovering above the couch ever so slightly.

JC: Yes, I'm afraid I can't touch anything of this world.

Jay: Why not?

JC: You're familiar, I assume, with the doctrine of my Second Coming? When I return to this world, it will set in motion the momentous events in the Book of Revelation � Armageddon, the Antichrist, the Seven Seals, all that. Should I come in contact with any earthly thing, my Second Coming officially commences. It is not yet time for that.

Jay: Well, that's a relief. But what about that cup of coffee in front of you?

JC: Terribly sorry. Did you want a cup?

Jay: No, thank you. But, how can you drink it? Wouldn't the coffee hit your esophagus?

JC: I have superb muscular control in my throat.

Jay: Really? Have you ever considered working in�

JC: No.

Jay: Of course. So, then it's all true? You are the Son of the One True God, the Way, the Truth, the Life? No man cometh to the Father? That's you?

JC: That is me.

Jay: Well, I suppose I'll start right on with the believing.

JC: Don't bother.

Jay: Why not?

JC: Dad's a Calvinist.

Jay: Oh.

Shit.

JC: Yeah, tough break for you, I know.

Jay: But all that business about mercy and loving all mankind and none shall perish?

JC: PR.

Jay: PR?

JC: Yeah, public relations. Same reason your President wages a War on Terror as opposed to a War on Towelheads.

Jay: Well, he did call it a Crusade.

JC: An omnipotent being is better at PR, of course.

Jay: I see. So omnipotence is a check, then. Omniscience, too?

JC: Absolutely.

Jay: Who do you like in the Super Bowl?

JC: Excuse me?

Jay: I said, "Who do you�"

JC: I heard what you said. I just can't believe you said it. You're sitting here with Me, the Son of God, able to ask anything at all you want, and all you can come up with is sports picks? I should have done the Times interview.

Jay: Sorry, Jesus. What would you like to discuss?

JC: Have you read the Bible? Do you know Who I Am? Millions of people have lived, killed, and died in my Name. Surely there must be something of substance you want to know? The meaning of it all? Your place in God's plan? How I spent my twenties even?

Jay: Well, there is one thing I've always wondered.

JC: Go on.

Jay: Mary Magdalene � was she hot?

JC: Have you ever been to the Middle East? Of course she was hot. We all were.

Jay: No, I mean hot. Was she a babe? Sexually attractive? Comely?

JC: My son, you should know I have taught not to treat women as sex objects.

Jay: Sorry. How should women be treated?

JC: As property.

Jay: Property? What, you mean like furniture?

JC: That is apt.

Jay: So, Mary Magdalene, then � a well-built chest?

JC: Get out! This interview is over!

And that was all our Lord would say to me. Further attempts to reach Him have proven fruitless.

Click here to read Part II of the Rinderpest.com interview with Jesus H. Christ.