I was walking down the street today when I chanced upon an elderly woman struggling over a handbag with a large masked man. She is a woman I had seen many times before, and it seemed she had an endless supply of handbags. Each time I saw her, it was a new one � some big, some small, in all colours of the rainbow, polka dots, floral patterns, matte finishes. One would wonder where she got them all.

Well, now I know. Apparently, she takes them all from unwitting young gay men who are already so frightened of the droves of rabid homophobes that litter the area they are forced to wear masks to hide their identities. This had to rank as one of the most disgusting examples of human greed I had ever seen. I had no choice but to act.

I brained the masked man with a cricket bat and took the handbag. Maybe the Sinister Septuagenarian and I could split the booty.

"Oh, young man!" she croaked. "My handbag!"

"Yes," I winked conspiratorially as I handed it to her, "your handbag haha. What say you split a little of that with me?"

"A reward? But, of course. I just wanted to say thank you�"

I didn't hear the rest, because I quickly brained her with a cricket bat.

I cannot stand that expression. "I just wanted to�" "I'd like to�" "I want to take this opportunity to�"

What kind of timid asslicking culture have we created here? Don't tell me you want to or would like to, just say it. Is "thank you" so hard? Why does it need a preamble?

And while we're on the subject, just what the hell is a shoutout? Has anyone ever given one?

I hear people all the time say they want to give one, but I cannot honestly recall ever seeing one being given. Anyone who has ever been the X in the statement "I want to give a shoutout to X" is encouraged to email me and tell me just what it is they were given by the speaker.

I'd like to thank you for reading this.