While looking through the shelves of a local used book store, I came across a book with "guaranteed" spells. It had a list of instructions, along with the associated incantations and ceremonies that would help the reader achieve success and riches, find everlasting love, and live to be a thousand. It revealed the secrets of the Rosicurians (or the Globetrotters, I always confused the two).

I could only assume that the previous owner was a philanthropist. After using the spells carefully scribed within the tome, he or she (after finding stardom, wealth, and true love) decided not to hoard the valuable knowledge, and instead left it at the book store to help out another generation of spellcasters. A noble gesture.

Somehow, not recognizing the true value of such revolutionary magics, the store owner had priced the book at $1.50.

How could I resist such a mind-boggling bargain? Well, I actually didn't have that much on me at the time (I had lost everything in betting on basketball; see note above re: Globetrotters). I thought about asking the store owner for credit until the "spell for material riches and success" (p.23-25) kicked in, but that would just highlight the true value of the book to him; he would obviously never agree to sell it once I had pointed out his pricing error. The ceremony for the spell would take too long (and use too much equipment) for me to perform it unobtrusively there in the store, so I reluctantly decided to put the book back on the shelf.

Before I did so, however, I took a look at a few spells. One that immediately caught my eye was a spell to make someone fall madly in love with you. ("At last," I thought. "Some way to explain Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel. Or Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett.")

In order to preserve the ancient mysteries revealed to me at that time, I will not set out the full instructions or chant found in that book. To do so would bring down the wrath of ancient alchemists on me. Not to mention Meadowlark Lemon.

However, I can reveal that the book instructed me to prepare a balm or unguent by mixing garlic and some select herbs into several pounds of butter. Coincidentally, this used 11 herbs and spices, which may explain why people just love fried chicken. After that, I was to perform a mystic chant over the substance and then rub the mixture all over the naked body of the one that I wanted to fall in love with me.

Okay, newsflash to Alastair Crowley here:

If the girl is willing to allow me to smear butter all over her nude body, I really don't care whether she actually loves me. 'Kay?

I can already guess at the exciting spells to follow in the sequel to this book:

• A spell to make you sleep (Must be cast while very tired and lying down)

• A spell to prevent frostbite (May only be cast in Aruba; short duration)

• A spell to make you look taller (Must stand closer to people)

Oh, well. I hope that the advice I am getting from the psychic friends' network works out better - and involves less butter; the love thing is killing my Atkins plan.