As a fan of classic television, I can't tell you how thrilled I am that the fourth season box set of "I Love Lucy" includes, unedited, uncensored, and uncut, the infamous "lost episodes" that were never aired due to the inability of network executives to grasp artistic vision. In these episodes, Ball, Arnaz, Vance, and Frawley rose to new heights of their craft, accompanied by brilliant writing and inspired directing. I urge everyone to purchase these DVDs. To whet your appetite, I've included a plot summary of some of the lost episodes.

Episode 401: Ethel the Fat

Concerned about Ethel's weight, Lucy concocts a variety of zany schemes to slim her friend down, including infecting Ethel with tape worms, slipping her banned diet pills, injecting her with heroin, and putting purgatives in her food at a fancy French restaurant. Finally Ethel agrees to go to a weight loss convention, but Lucy makes the reservations at the wrong hotel...and they end up staying right next to the Chocolate Cake Festival! Can Ethel resist the temptation? Can she survive Lucy's crazy weight loss schemes?

Trivia: During the filming of this episode, Vivian Vance grew peeved at the suggestion she ought to lose weight, and killed and ate three cameramen.

Episode 408: Thankful For Lucy

The Ricardos invite Fred and Ethel over for a nice Thanksgiving dinner. But they don't realize that Fred's bringing along some of his old Aryan Nations buddies, while at the same time Ricky's invited his pals from the notorious gang Mara Salvatrucha! Can Lucy and Ethel bring peace to the table and end a Thanksgiving race war? Lucy's clever plan involves hiring an actor dressed up as a policeman...and zaniness ensues when he gets shot dead on arrival! It's up to Lucy to save Thanksgiving, without too much bloodshed.

Trivia: Lucille Ball wanted Ethel to be shot dead in this episode, effectively writing her out of the show. Vivian Vance refused, unless she could be promised future appearances as either Ethel's ghost, or long lost android replica.

Episode 420: Lucy's Abortion

Lucy and Ricky have a hard time dealing with their conservative Catholic families when they learn of Lucy's abortion. Fortunately Lucy concocts a wacky scheme involving a pedophile priest and Little Ricky that convinces the McGillicudys and the Ricardos that religion isn't all that. Guest Starring Martin Landau as Father Wantboys.

Trivia: This episode was censored from airing because the network objected to the use of the expression "Bitch, don't go there."

Episode 421: Reds, and Fred In Space

Fred becomes an astronaut, but the rocket is grounded when Lucy stows away for a free trip to the moon to taste the cheese. Her attempts to explain her presence backfire when it slips out that she's spying for the Soviets. Meanwhile, Ethel and Ricky both testify before the House Un-American Activities Committee, and things begin to look serious for poor misunderstood Lucy. Can her wacky plot to hide in a big drum get her out of this scrape?

Trivia: The rocket launch scene was filmed on the same studio lot where NASA later faked the moon landing.

Episode 422: Prison Break

Lucy escapes from prison by disguising herself as Hitler, but not before a brutal rape and several beatings. But the irrepressible Lucy poisons the water supply on her way out, just to show those bitches who they're dealing with. Heil Lucy!

Trivia: Lucille Ball supplied the Hitler costume. She declined to explain why she owned it.

Episode 423: Wackily Axed

Lucy's return home is marred by her discovery of Ricky and Ethel in bed together. Ricky proposes divorce, but Lucy prefers axes to exes and shows both of them what prison-sculpted muscle can do. Meanwhile, Fred is bitten by the Lucy's rabid pet weasel he was feeding while she was in prison.

Trivia: The fake blood was actually horse's blood obtained from the set of "Mr. Ed".

Episode 424: Dreaming of Lucy

Lucy wakes up in the hospital, only to discover that the events of the last six months were dreams inspired by her heroin overdose coma. Ricky and Ethel are still alive, Fred never became an astronaut or got rabies, and Father Wantboys never raped Little Ricky. That was Bishop Chickenhawk.

Trivia: Ball, Arnaz, and Vance filmed this episode under protest; they felt the whole "dream sequence" plot device was a cop out. Vance requested another sex scene with Arnaz, who threatened to quit. He said Vance was "all grabby" under the covers in Episode 423.

Episode 429: That Cannot Die Which Dead Lies Dreaming

The Ricardos purchase an antique dresser, and find an old book with strange writing inside. While Ricky urges caution and goes to find an expert in ancient languages, Lucy and Ethel try to read the book aloud. When ancient Cthulhu materializes, it seems the Apocalypse is upon us. But Lucy's wacky scheme to foil the dread Cyclopean menace by impersonating a dentist pays off, and the only casualty is Fred's sanity. No great loss, jokes Ethel.

Trivia: The writing of this episode coincided with a mysterious earthquake in the South Pacific, and worldwide incidents of people committing suicide while sleepwalking.

Episode 433: Lez Be Friends

Lucy's new neighbor Michelle responds to Lucy's friendly gestures in a manner Lucy was not prepared for. With her customary tact and sensitivity, Lucy defuses the situation by staging a love scene with Ethel. But chaos ensues when Ethel gets into her role with too much gusto, and Ricky spies the scene without Lucy realizing. It's a tangled triangle of passion that even Lucy's zany schemes can't solve without bloodshed!

Trivia: Vance was furious with the writers, because the real-life accusations of her sexual preferences were common Hollywood gossip. Her contract was ironclad, however, and she had to go ahead and film the episode. Years later it came out that Ball was the one who suggested the plot of this episode, as a dig at Vance.

Episode 438: Little Ricky's Birthday

The Ricardos plan a big celebration for Little Ricky's eighth birthday, but are cast down by the news that Fred needs a new liver to survive. Ethel begs Lucy to concoct another zany scheme to save Fred's life, and Lucy decides to start harvesting organs from Little Ricky's friends at the party. The operation seems like a success, and Fred gets three barely-used livers, but the irony is that Ricky had an allergic reaction to the chloral hydrate Lucy put in the birthday cake and is now a vegetable. But the irrepressible Lucy has a new idea: steal him a new brain! Can she persuade anyone to come to another party after what happened at the last one?

Trivia: William Frawley didn't have cirrhosis of the liver, but he did have liver damage resulting from a knife wound from a gang fight during his prison term in the 1930's.

Episode 449: I'm Gonna Git You, Sucka

Ricky finally tires of Lucy's wacky antics, and leaves her for another woman. Maddened by his betrayal, Lucy vows revenge and begins training in martial arts, weapons, and making bombs. Ethel and Fred invite Lucy to dinner, without her knowing that Ricky and "the other woman" will be there, too. It turns out that Ricky hired an actress and was just playing an April Fool's joke on Lucy. But before they can explain the joke, Lucy stabs Ricky in the eye and leaps from the balcony. The Mertzes assume she was committing suicide, but actually Lucy was escaping the short-fused explosives she left in her handbag on the Mertzes' coffee table. With Ricky, Fred, and Ethel out of the way, Lucy heads to the mountains with Little Ricky, to raise him in safety so he can one day lead the fight against heavily-accented Austrian killing machines.

Trivia: During the filming, Arnaz played one of his infamous practical jokes by removing the safety net that Ball was supposed to jump into from the balcony, leaving her with three cracked ribs. Ball got her revenge with her typical "escalate and retaliate" fashion by cutting up Arnaz's pet terrier and leaving the pieces in his dressing room. This practical joke backfired when Vance ate some of the pieces and had to be hospitalized for worms.

It's hard to believe that any network executive would see the majesty, the brilliance, and the insight of these lost episodes and still decide not to air them, but we must remember that "I Love Lucy" belonged to an era when edgy programming meant having a married couple portrayed with a double bed. So the network decided to scrap much of the fourth season and air only the less controversial episodes. But now you can see them as they should have been seen, in the new DVD fourth season boxed set. Also with commentary by Desi Arnaz Jr and special features including a vicious expose of Vivian Vance's torrid personal life, a visit to the surviving members of Lucille Ball's Hitler Youth brigade, and a computer-animated short by Pixar of what an episode of "I Love Lucy" would be like if Fred were a depressed robot, Ethel were a lost fish, Ricky were an insect, and Lucy were an alien dominatrix with a taste for arson. Order your copy today! Buy it with Season Five and get ten percent off both box sets.