Abortion. The most contentious issue in America today. Supreme Court confirmations hinge upon it. People go all slobbery with rage whenever the word is mentioned. Millions of bored coat hangers await the overthrow of Roe v. Wade so they'll have something fun to do once more, rather than just holding up your old, moth-ridden garments.

Why can no agreement be reached? Why is no progress made in the debate? Simple. The two sides can't even agree on what they're arguing about. Pro-Choice? Pro-Life? Those don't sound like diametrically opposed stances. Neither side even has abortion in its name, for bloody fetuses' sake! This will never do.

Take any good rivalry, such as the preeminent rivalry in sports, Yankees vs. Red Sox. (No, not Manchester United vs. Arsenal. All I see in that rivalry is Man Chests, Units, and Arses, making it a subject for a completely different, albeit highly interesting, column.) Yankees are Americans, we know that. And they are perfectly opposed by the Red Sox. Obviously red socks are only ever worn with red jackets or, dare I say, red coats. That's right--it's the Revolutionary War played out on a baseball diamond twenty times a year. And if you're a Sox fan, you are nothing more nor less than a modern-day Benedict Arnold, who was, naturally, a native of Boston, Massachusetts.

Now before you history buffs sprain your grubby little fingers firing off emails to tell me that Arnold was born in Norwich, Connecticut, you must realize that that was merely a segue, to use the technical term. You see, facts are irrelevant when you are just trying to score rhetorical points, which brings us precisely back to abortion. (See, segue.)

These two titularly opposite sides of the abortion debate cannot get shit done because they sit around scoring rhetorical points all day about "choice" and "life," caring not for cold, hard fact, and both too timid to take a true oppositional stance. It is therefore my sacred duty to bring some sense to this debate, to galvanize the two sides into serious debate aimed at uniting people, rather than being occupied with slaughtering fetuses and blowing up medical offices.

Therefore, I take my position proudly. I am Anti-Choice and Anti-Life--and, for what it's worth, Pro-Abortion.

Yes, I am all for abortions. Lots and lots of them. Oodles, I might say, were I the type to use that particular word. Mandatory abortions. You don't get your choice. We are at war, people--with fetuses. And I am declaring martial law. Think of what these wretched creatures do to us.

• They distort the natural beauty of the female form for months at a time.

• They distort the gentle nature of the female psyche for months at a time.

• They parasitically suck the mother dry of vital nutrients, creating bizarre cravings that drive men insane in an effort to keep women satiated. (OK, so this is the normal state of affairs between the sexes.)

• They attempt to withhold vital stem cells that we (humans, real adult humans) need for research.

And for what? To attempt to con their way into our world, so they can breathe all our air, eat all our food, and throw up on our new clothes. This is an alien invasion, friends. An ages-old war that we are, regretfully, losing.

Therefore, I propose we randomly select one out of every three pregnancies and terminate, with extreme prejudice. Why not all pregnancies? If we start taking them all out during pregnancy, they will be on to our scheme, and will devise some other disgusting means by which to enter our world, possibly involving spleens. We must cull them in the womb to manageable numbers, and deal with the rest on the outside.

So write your representatives today. Tell them you are sick of life, and you are sick of choice. Also, tell them of any unreported pregnancies. They need to stay on top of these things.