Lacking a manger, I had to develop my own Nativity scene. While I incorporated a few nontraditional elements, I feel that I still managed to capture the true spirit of Xmas.

Summary: In an underwater squid grotto, a beautiful crystal Xmas tree is the center of attention. Atop it perches Kali, the Hindu death goddess, smiling down with Christian cheer and seasonal good will.

To the left, Moses combats Bear-Headed Christ in the traditional drunken Xmas party fight. A wooly mammoth cheers Bear-Headed Christ on, while to the right Bert seeks to end the conflict by blasting Moses with a cannon, for the glory of Uruguay. Shakespeare has reservations about the cannon, but is too worried about that dragon behind him to do anything.

Meanwhile, behind Moses, you might notice a Ninja Turtle happily murdering Scotty, egged on by the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Immediately below the tree, Pope Innocent III attempts to explain the True Meaning Of Walrustide to the duelists, supported by the ultra-cool posse of California Raisins and Ganesha. Buddha sits serenely unconcerned by the fuss, locked not into blissful meditation but instead enjoying the greatest hits of the Eighties on his brand-new iPod. He especially loves Expose's smash hit "Let Me Be The One."

To the right of the scene, Edgar Allan Poe leads an expedition to investigate the Ark of the Covenant. Sister Angry demands he open it to see if it's really filled with delicious buttery waffles as the legends have it, but Pikachu smells Indiana Jones style Melting Faces inside. Poe's pet brontosaurus has nothing to contribute except the natural aroma of a creature that eats thirty-nine tons of vegetable matter daily. To the rear, two pigs observe. One is a contented plush pig. The other pig is being brutally raped by a dimetrodon.

So there we have it. The true meaning and magic of Xmas, portrayed in a traditional Nativity scene. Remember, you can't spell "manger" without "anger". Or "mange". Or "man", "ge", and "n", which is the Periodic Table symbol for antimony. No, it's nitrogen. Nitrogen is what makes up most of our atmosphere, so as you breathe in, remember to appreciate the Xmas miracle: nitrogen.