Hey, guess what? Just when you thought religion couldn't get any more fucked, the Catholic Church takes off all its clothes to reveal that it's wearing a soiled diaper and asks you to fuck it up the ass with a bicycle pump. Last week, the Church made an official statement barring homosexuals from entering the priesthood, displaying a lack of self-awareness so shocking that even Jessica Simpson looked up from her Junior Jumble long enough to say, "Dudes . . ."

The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force has issued a statement calling the move an affront to gay priests worldwide. Excuse me? Have I missed some enlightened era when the Catholic Church was anything but a well-accepted cult led by a bunch of backwards-minded chauvinistic bastards who are only interested in securing their own physical and spiritual wealth at the expense of anyone who doesn't meet their bigoted idea of perfection? Really, it must be nice to be at the top of that fuck pile. You can pretty much just look at some poorly-written, vague collection of texts that everybody worships and deliver to the people your "interpretation." If it were me, I'd "interpret" the entire book of Hosea to be God's clear indication that people who believe that evolution doesn't happen are going to rot in hell for 10,000 eternities. Really, because who the fuck is going to read Hosea and tell me I'm wrong? Not you, that's for fucking sure.

The Church has decided that if you're gay, you have three years to suppress your gayness before they'll give you a robe and the secret handshake. So if you want to ascend to the upper echelons of this fantastic organization ASAP, you'd better start right now. First, throw away all your back issues of Semen-ary Monthly for Men and take down that poster over your bed that shows a shirtless young John Paul II rubbing oil on his pecs. Then, you'd better stop writing your Jesus/Judas fan fiction right the fuck now, because that is not going to look good when it comes up in the "Fag Check" they'll be running on you. Okay? Now, take all your normal, natural sexual tendencies, squeeze them into a tight little ball, and bury them deep inside yourself where they'll never be found, at least not for another six to eight years, at which point they'll probably explode and you'll be discovered shoving your cock into the loaves of communion bread while grunting Hail Marys and praying for a speedy death. Don't worry, though, by that time you'll be so far ingrained in the system that the Church will quickly cover up any leaks (figurative and otherwise) and move you to a new parish. Score!

I have a suggestion for the Catholic Church, that maybe they hadn't considered before. You know, so long as they're making up new rules. How about this one: don't fucking let pedophiles into your secret club, either. Hm? What do you say? You see, because that way, you don't fuck up thousands of kids who will never trust another adult again for the rest of their lives, and the Church doesn't have to waste valuable resources covering all that up. It's perfect! It's so perfect, I can't fucking believe that nobody thought of it before! I don't even need any recognition or compensation for having come up with the idea. Just do me this one favor, okay? Take your stupid fucked up religion and choke on it. Thanks, Catholic Church!