I know you've been wondering to yourself, "Self, just how bad is the state of American television today?" Well, consider these two nuggets of sheer stupidity from late 2005:

1. Fox pulled the plug on Arrested Development, a show that runs circles around damn near everything on the air in the past decade.

2. CBS extended Survivor for another two seasons of predictable scheming, backstabbing, and bug eating.

Now, it's not my intention to harp on the merits of Arrested Development � mostly because its offbeat flavor of comic depravity is not easily summed up in 25 words or less. I'll merely point out that Fox is the same genius monolith that pulled Firefly after only about a dozen episodes, then scratched its pointy head when millions of fans shelled out forty bucks each for that show's DVD collection.

Although I do admire she show, I'm only using Arrested Development as a framing bit of contrast to flame the hell out of Survivor, a show that has single-handedly brought down the expectations (and possibly the collective IQ) of television viewers throughout the land.

A decade ago, a program lived or died by the originality of its premise, the quality of its plots and dialogue, and the comic charm or dramatic nuance of its cast members. Now, thanks to Survivor and its bottom-scraping spawn (Serial Killer Makeover, Pimp My Wife, One Dozen Narcissists Locked in a House Together), it's all about the crazy shit that people will do, and do to each other, for a little TV face time and a shot at some cold cash.

What the hell is wrong with us? Are our lives simply not dramatic enough, so we thirst for a voyeuristic catfight once a week? If so, why not just make catty dramas in the mold of Dallas or Melrose Place or Dawson's Creek? The shows would still suck, but only the actors would lose dignity points, and the networks would save a boatload of money on liability insurance and extension cords.

I want to make it clear that I've never once sat down and watched an episode of Survivor. You can take that information and either congratulate me for my sterling good taste or flog me for criticizing something I know nothing about � but if you do the latter, you're willfully ignoring the fact that this show has leached out into the U.S. pop-culture stew in such a way that it's fair game for even non-watchers.

This show and its ilk are just re-warmed Schadenfreude on a stick � with a tasty consumerism glaze. All week long, fans of the show look forward to sitting in the comfort of their own living rooms to ogle a bunch of paranoid, no-body-fat-havin' honkymofos who do little besides run around the jungle/desert/beach/camp complaining and figuring out how to do away with each other. CBS only drops the cheesy suspense music and pans away from the dirt-encrusted contestants long enough to pump out some beer and shoe ads, then comes back swinging with more highly edited "reality."

Why do we obsess about these people? Are they accomplished actors or otherwise notable for their contributions to society? No � they're marketed as people-next-door types, a fact that supposedly lends them some sort of everyman appeal. For chrissakes, people, if you want to ogle some people next door � just look out your friggin' window! Those people you see? Those are the people next door, and I guarantee that they're exponentially more interesting and less bitchy than the bozos on Survivor.

Ah, I hear the plaintive cries: "But my neighbors aren't all hardbodied and dreadlocked and tastefully tattooed like the contestants on Survivor!" My dear TV crack addicts, if you're looking for sweating hotties in minimal clothing, you can find that and delights even more titillating, without the interruption of rat-eating contests, people setting themselves on fire, and all that talking. We call it "porn," and it's as close as your nearest all-night video store or personal computer.

I'm just sayin'.